Feminine Advocacy Secret No. 1

Finally, the secrets you’ve been waiting for! Last time I told you about Feminine Advocacy, what it means and why I am writing about it.

And I promised I would share Secret No. 1 next….drum roll…

Secret No. 1 is…Know What You Want

Secret No. 1 is all about getting crystal clear about exactly what it is that you want; a clear vision of your desired outcome, all the details about it.

  • What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to be different? What does it look like?
  • What would you accept? What would you say “yes” to? What would you say “no” to?
  • What does it feel like, when you get it? How will you know you have it?
  • What gets to happen when you have that?

Why this is important:

The #1 reason why most people don’t get what they want is because they don’t KNOW what they want!  Like the fellow who asked for “socks and underwear” from Santa WestJet for Christmas.

Screen Shot 2013-12-20 at 10.17.12 AM

I bet he has some regrets about not being clearer what he really wanted, like this family was!

All I want for Christmas is..

Clarifying your objectives is critical to advocating for what is important to you. If you’re not clear what you want, what you stand for, what you believe – how can you stand in your power and advocate?

The clearer you are about what is important for you to achieve, and what you will not accept, the easier it will be to keep your focus steady, and not become distracted from your outcome goal.

Think through it, not just about it.

Why is this so challenging for women?

You’re not used to thinking about your own wants and needs. You’re conditioned to put others’ needs first – this is what a “good woman” does, or is expected to do. And that conditioning usually starts at a young age, with “good girl” messages that reward putting others first, and discourage the very activities you are now encouraged as a woman to do more of as you lean in. Stand up. Stand out. Advocate. Ask. For what you want. For more.

The result of “good girl” conditioning? Women often fail to recognize opportunities to lean in, to improve their life – their job, their enjoyment, and their financial status – through advocacy, influencing, persuasion or negotiation. And we fail to recognize those very opportunities because our wants are faint, fuzzy walk-in-the-fog-PDor foggy.

And “foggy” wants and needs lead to foggy outcomes – that’s not very satisfying!


When you don’t know what you REALLY want, it’s easy to get sidetracked, pulled off-kilter by other things – you can’t really be centered and grounded in your power, when you are vague or fuzzy.

Research shows there are several gender-based triggers that sabotage women in negotiating. One of these triggers is ambiguity – and you can counter that ambiguity by getting super clear!

Think through it, not just about it.

Tips for getting clear:

Write it out. Use the questions above to get you started. Getting it down on paper and out of your head helps to crystallize things.
Clear your mind first. Women’s lives are so full of many different roles and obligations, it can be challenging to get clear if you don’t clear space in your mind.
Meditate. Breathe. Alone or with a guided track. Here is a short guided meditation I recorded specifically to help you get clear. All in less than five minutes. You can spare five minutes, right?

The real VALUE in investing the time to get clear?

When you DO know what you REALLY want and why that is important to you, here’s what gets to happen.

Willow Tree

You’re like a Willow Tree when the wind blows – your roots are firmly in the ground (you know what you want and why, what is important to you), and you can sway, gracefully, with the wind. But you are still standing after the wind passes by – standing firmly in your power, with your authentic self, values and vision intact.

Centered, calm, certain, and confident.

Now, doesn’t that feel better?


Coming soon…Feminine Advocacy Secret No. 2