Human nature wants to fill a silence, especially in our largely extroverted western culture. In conversation, silence feels uncomfortable to many. Even in nature, many find silence unfamiliar and uncomfortable and feel compelled to play music. We are used to noise, the sound of ours and others’ voices.
However, “silence is golden” is still true. Rare, valuable and powerful. Especially when used strategically in negotiation.
Recognize your own impulse to rush in to fill a silence, as well as how it can be helpful to you when others fill your silence.
The key with using any behaviour, tactic, or strategy is to match it to your goal or objective (which you have prepared, right? ;0)
How to use silence in negotiation to reach your goal:
Show your disagreement. Silence can indicate your displeasure with an offer, or that you are thinking about it. Pause. Don’t say anything for a bit. The other person may fill that silence with a justification, explanation, or even another better offer, as they may have assumed your silence indicates displeasure or disagreement. However, beware of your own tendency to do the same!
Show your strength. Once you have stated what you want, just STOP. Stay silent to let your offer or ask sink in. Don’t rush in and fill up the silence with justifications, explanations or attempts to convince. Just ZIP IT. Pause. Wait. Let them come back with their answer.
When you fill the silence after you ask, you risk doing two things.
First, you take up space they may need to process your ask, to think about it. You may have surprised them and they need a moment to craft their response. If you fill the silence, you may deny them an opportunity to come to your side on their own.
Second, you inadvertently dilute your ask. What if it’s good enough on its own? By rushing in and filling the silence, you could signal that you don’t believe in it yourself! That you are justifying your ask out loud because you don’t really believe you deserve it or trust that it is possible for them to give.
Prime yourself to stand for your ask with confidence. Ask for it. then just stop.
Zip it.
Try it out.
Let us know in the comments how silence has worked for you!
When you get outside your comfort zone and ask for a raise, you raise your profile.
In your leader’s eyes, and in your own eyes. When you ask for more than what your leader or manager has offered, this positions you automatically as someone who goes for what she wants. Someone who WILL take the risk that she might not get it, at least not right then. Someone who will also more than likely do the same for your organization.
I was recently interviewed by women.com and shared my top 5 tips for asking for a raise, and 3 things to avoid doing. I also shared a brief story about a client who successfully negotiated a more than 20% increase, in part by recruiting an ally for her cause. Click on the women dot com logo to check out the full article here:
My client was initially offered far less when she asked for a raise to a specific amount. She stuck with her number and ended up with more than a 20% salary increase. The added benefit: Her leader told her he appreciated how prepared she was for the conversation, and noted that she was being a great advocate for herself.
Boom! Profile raised.
The benefit of raising your profile can far out-weigh and even outlast any increase in salary, position, benefits or responsibility. Asking for a raise or promotion positions you as someone to take seriously. Someone who takes her work and her value seriously.
You can take the other road, keep your head down and focus on delivering great work, and hope they notice and reward your efforts, without your having to ask for it. But let me ask you:
If you aren’t asking for more because you are nervous, afraid or unsure of what to say, this only means that asking for a raise is not familiar to you. Get some help from someone who can help you figure it out, help you practice and rehearse the conversation. Work with a coach or advisor, or a peer who has done it successfully. Join a community where others are practicing these new skills too.
Then buckle up buttercup! Grab a bit of courage and go ahead and ask!
I’d love to hear any of your experiences with how asking for a raise has raised your profile. I know we can all use hearing some encouraging stories.
Last week I had the privilege of speaking at the Vancouver Chapter of Lean In Canada on the topic Master the Art of Negotiating and Get the Yes! Vancouver Chapter President Florence Yeung neatly summarized the key points from my talk on her own Blog. Her article so nicely captures my five-point authentic negotiation model I am sharing it here in full, with Florence’s permission:
Can you use better negotiation skills?
I think all of us can. Most women are afraid of negotiating and are 2.5X more likely to feel anxious about it than men.
I recently attended an event where the guest speaker, Carrie Gallant, taught us the 5 C’s to negotiate authentically and found these tips to be helpful so I want to share it with our readers with Carrie’s permission.
CLARIFY TO AMPLIFY
Be clear about what it is you are negotiating about. Are both sides clear on what is at stake and what is being negotiated? Laying out a clear and focused foundation for the negotiation helps set the stage for a successful negotiation.
CONNECT TO PARTNER AND PROFIT
When we think of negotiation we often feel like it’s us against them, it’s a win-lose situation. What needs to change with your mindset is that negotiating can be a partnership. A true ‘win’ in negotiation is when both sides get the majority of what they want, not when both sides ‘meet in the middle’.
So connect with your partner and grow the pie bigger, through understanding their objectives, how they want to be treated, and truly listen to understand their needs.
COLLABORATE TO CREATE YES
It can be as simple as using language such as ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ in your conversation. Similar to the point above, you want to take a collaborative approach, how can you both get what you want and grow the pie bigger overall? You will need to get creative with your options and potential outcomes, but that is what negotiation is supposed to do, flesh out all the options that could work for both parties.
CRAFT THE CONVERSATION
The best approach to take is to be calm and assertive. Easier said than done of course, but if you put in the necessary prep work to think through every possible scenario, every possible question and potential answer from your negotiation partner, you are much more likely to achieve success.
Some tactics would be to consider your openers, building your questions strategy, testing assumptions, and when to make an offer (whoever makes the first offer places an anchor for the negotiation).
One tool that is often overlooked in negotiation is silence. After you make your offer, don’t be in a haste to jump in and justify your needs, just stay silent, and wait for the other party to respond. Silence is golden.
COMMIT AND CELEBRATE
The end of a negotiation is perceived to be the point when both parties shake hands, signaling that an agreement has been reached. However, in Carrie’s words, a sprinter doesn’t stop right at the finish line, their adrenaline takes them far beyond the finish line before they can come to a complete stop. Agreement is great, but now you need ‘commitment‘.
Who is going to do what?
When are they going to do it?
How are they going to do it?
You need to outline all the next steps that need to be actioned to get the ball rolling, THEN you can celebrate.
While we have outlined some of the key negotiation principles Carrie shared with us during the event, there are many benefits to schedule a one-on-one with a negotiation expert like Carrie. They can help you built your negotiation strategy to get the most out of a salary negotiation, taking you further in your career.
Note: A version of this article appeared in the June 2010 Edition of Make It Business: Inspiring Small Businesses to Think Big
Everyone sells.
Whether you like it or hate it; are good at or, well, suck at it. We are all salespeople, of one kind or another.
Whether you are a small business owner negotiating with Wal-Mart, a lawyer looking for new clients, or planning your summer vacation with your spouse, you are always selling. Selling widgets, selling your business plan to financers, or selling your vacation hot-spot to your spouse – it all starts with your idea that you want them to buy, or buy into.
What if you add a little romance? What if you WOO them?
The Art of Woo starts with YOU. As with anything important successful persuasion, influence or negotiation depends a great deal on your preparation. The early chapters are worth delving into, as they build the foundation for your preparation by assessing your persuasion style and the context.
The Art of Woo shows you how to:
Build a bridge to THEM, and their beliefs, language, and style
Connect your ideas to their goals
Pitch your proposal, and
Secure their commitment.
If you are looking to master the art of selling your ideas, study each chapter in depth, as each one is worthy of its own book. The first chapter Includes a quick and easy four-step guide. You will find “Ten Questions for Would-Be Wooers” in the Appendix.
Neither a light read nor a quick-fix solution, The Art of Woo is still an accessible read. Broadly applicable and rich with plenty of real-life examples – from Nelson Mandela to Sam Wharton – The Art of Woo is like a self-study version of a five-day workshop. Indeed, Shell and Moussa are Directors of the Wharton School’s Strategic Persuasion Workshop. Costing a fraction of their workshop, The Art of Woo is one of the most valuable business books out there.
My only beef with The Art of Woo is its matryoshka-like structure: nesting so many steps and processes within each other detracts from the elegant simplicity of the core four steps, and potentially confuses the reader. A trifling quibble in the end, as this book fully maps out relationship-based persuasion from start to finish.
Your Intentions Matter
Finally, The Art of Woofinishes right back with YOU – your character and integrity. Ending with a compelling real-life WorldCom-type tale of why it matters less whether you master the Art of Woo than what your intentions are when you Woo, the authors leave readers with a simple litmus test that reveals what kind of “idea salesperson” they are.
Scott McGillivray used this trademarked K.E.Y. phrase in his short presentation on real estate investing. The popular host of HGTV’s Income Property and the new Buyer’s Bootcamp shared his wisdom and experience in the art of negotiation and real estate investing with flashes of his megawatt smile.
Scott sprinkled his presentation with some behavioural economics (think Robert Cialdini’s laws of influence) and positive psychology, with a quote from Shawn Achor at the end:
“The more you believe in your own ability to succeed, the more likely it is that you will.”
Scott shared a few key nuggets on the art of negotiating a great deal, which was number two in his list of ten things for real estate investors, right after education in the number one spot.
Highlights from Scott’s short tutorial on the art of negotiation:
Focus on fundamentals over emotion. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement. Do your research.
Be savvy. Real Estate agents are savvy; buyers need to be savvy too.
Older is wiser. Bidding wars happen on properties that are recently listed. Look for properties that have been on the market for a while. Older listings don’t get as many views, and often mean the buyer initially listed over-value, then discounted. And many buyers are put off by discounted listings because they perceive there must have been something wrong. This creates an opportunity to…
Solve a problem for the seller. Sellers are motivated for many reasons outside of the sale price of their home. Maybe they need a short closing date. If you’re in a position to meet that need, you can probably exchange that for a reduction in the sale price. That worked for me in my first home purchase when I learned the seller had a 30 day close on their next home and wanted to avoid bridge financing. This knowledge and my counter offer netted me an 18% reduction in the sale price.
Be good at putting in offers and put in different types of offers.
Be firm on your price and be willing to walk away. (You’ve heard me say this one before.) Nine out of ten offers that Scott makes are rejected by the seller. And yet…he has a multi-million dollar portfolio of real estate investments.
What I liked most about seeing Scott’s presentation was his showing up consistently (one of Cialdini’s laws of influence). He shows up in person as the same person he shows up on his reality TV shows. I like how he treats people. After the show, I had a chance to speak with a few of his team, and they echoed my assessment – he’s the same guy to work with.
I recalled from an early episode on Income Property when Scott emphasized that treating your tenants well is good business. Give them a nice place to live and treat them well, and they will treat your property well. Yes!
When I was buying my first home in Toronto I wanted an income suite to support my single-income mortgage. My standard for the second suite was that it had to be something I would live in myself. It bugged me to see other income property owners with suites that were dirty, uncared for and substandard. How would you feel living there?
Scott shared a poignant story about a long term tenant who recently moved out. Scott’s practice in welcoming new tenants is to leave them a welcome card and a bottle of wine. This tenant left his apartment after nine years, with a card and a bottle of wine for Scott. The law of reciprocity in action!
A reminder again of my first house in Toronto. After viewing 30 homes before finding the right one, my realtor gifted me with a lovely bowl she saw me admire in a local café we frequented to compare notes after a viewing, PLUS a cheque for $300 to help fund my renovations to install a separate suite in the single family home. Now that’s class! I remembered that gesture, recommended her often, and I still use that bowl.
Scott obviously lives by what he teaches, and his passion for helping others do the same was evident in his message:
Knowledge without action is just data. Implementation is key to succeed.
What can you implement from these lessons in your own negotiations?
If you’re looking to build your negotiation and influencing muscles, check out the E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Leaders Lab online program.
The latest shocking news for women in negotiation is making the rounds lately, in Huffington Post, Daily Mail, Business Week and even Shape Magazine: UC Berkley professor Laura Kray’s latest research results show that women are lied to in negotiation more often than men.
Kray and her team worked outward from first establishing that a cultural stereotype that women are more easily misled puts them at greater risk for being deceived by misleading information or flat-out lies during negotiations.
The newsmakers glommed onto the big shocker:
WOMEN are equally likely as men to lie to another woman in negotiation
Yes. Women are just as susceptible as men are to perceiving other women as easy to mislead or lacking in competence. Sigh. Cultural stereotypes do indeed persist. Since the opposing stereotype about men persists (as already competent, not easily misled), Kray’s research also showed that both men and women are more likely to help the guy out by letting him in on a secret.
Really?
Frankly I’m not sure if I am more shocked by the results, or that this is actually news to anyone. I think women have known this intuitively all along — and it is one among many reasons why many women don’t like or are afraid to negotiate. We don’t like or want to be taken advantage of. We don’t like it when our trust is violated.
Aside from the stereotype perceptions, there’s an obvious elephant in the room – that ANY negotiator who perceives the other person as easily misled will succumb to that temptation and lie, mislead or deceive to gain a better outcome. The ethics of lying in negotiation is a much bigger topic, debated and written about elsewhere (and a future topic for this blog).
Here’s the big risk for those who do lie: the long-term costs. We will never forget. We might never forgive. We may never trust you again. And we just might tell two friends.
“Watch me walking, walking out the door.”**
Marketers have really gotten this about women in the last decade. It’s time for negotiators to get it too. Lies, deceptions and misleading claims have long-term consequences (and are sometimes illegal)– especially in business.
Until that happens – until the lies stop being the easy way to short-term victory and rewards — what can you do? What can you do to protect yourself in your negotiations? How can you TRUST anyone?
The good news is there is a lot you CAN do.
1. Test Now, Trust Later.
“Now would I say something that wasn’t true?”**
Trust is a tricky thing. You want to be able to trust others – to trust that what they say to you is true, that they will do what they say they will do. And there’s the rub – what you really want is what trust represents: predictability, reliability, a sure thing. You want to know it is REAL. Not a chimera or a desert mirage taunting you with promises to slake your thirst.
Trust yourself first – trust that niggling feeling that nags at you (aka your intuition). Don’t give in to self-doubt.
Test out what they are telling you, so you can trust them. Ask for proof, or verification of some kind. Clarify what you’ve heard them say and ask for confirmation that you got it.
Link to a third point for reference. Like the third leg on a 3-legged stool, the third point provides strength enough to stand on. A third point could be an outside standard or even a third party. “Let’s find out what Jamie thinks about this.”
What if they challenge you with “Don’t you trust me?” Try the power of “Yes, And”:
“I DO want to trust you, AND I want to understand you better. Help me understand how you …(e.g. arrived at that amount)”
2. Do Your Homework, First.
Groan.
I heard that! And I’ll tell you a Secret: Forget diamonds, Homework is a Girl’s Best Friend.
You know it works: before every test in school, you did your homework. Right? You will be better able to test out a potential lie if you have prepared for your negotiation – or at minimum have prepared and practiced some stand-by phrases that you can use in any situation.
Get the facts, and find out what the general standards are. Most common example is a job or salary negotiation. Research broadly and narrowly — what are the standards in the industry? Find out what you can about the other party’s standards (as well as their closest competitor) – and remember to look at standards as they apply to both men AND women.
Develop your OWN standards: what are you willing to accept? Not accept? What is your Plan B? You do have one, right?
Doing your homework builds Trust and Confidence – in YOU! Trusting someone else is so much easier when you trust yourself, and trust your data, your facts, your value. When you feel like you won’t get pushed around or off your path. When you feel like you can stand your ground.
3. Test Again.
“Tell you straight, no intervention. To your face, no deception.”**
Every good researcher, including Laura Kray, tests and re-tests, before releasing their research results. So should you. Test, verify and confirm one last time before and after the final handshake. Try this:
“Let me confirm my understanding. You said….THIS…You will…THAT…I will…THAT. Is that your understanding too?”
This gives both of you an opportunity to clarify and correct any misunderstandings, before finalizing the agreement. Afterwards, the final test is to put it in writing. See my previous post for how to make this part simple, fast and easy.
The Bottom Line:
I found this quote to be the most telling of all. In quoting this reformed salesman from 1985 at the outset of the published paper, Kray and her team reveal the best defence to gendered mis-perceptions of women’s gullibility and (lack of) competence:
“… Salesmen … categorize people into ‘typical’ buyer categories. During my time as a salesman I termed the most common of these the ‘typically uninformed buyer’…. [In addition to their lack of information, these] buyers tended to display other common weaknesses. As a rule they were indecisive, wary, impulsive and, as a result, were easily misled. Now take a guess as to which gender of the species placed at the top of this ‘typically easy to mislead’ category? You guessed it—women.” (Parrish, 1985, p. 3, as quoted by Ayres & Siegelman, 1995)
Emphasis mine.
The bottom line for women?
Your best defence = PREPARATION. Get informed, do your homework, research, practice articulating it out loud. Believe in what you know. Trust yourself.
As Annie Lennox says:
“Believe me, I’ll make it make it!”**
**Would I Lie to You? Lyrics by Annie Lennox & Dave Stewart – Don’t mess with Annie!
WANT TO REPRINT THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE, BLOG OR WEBSITE?
You may, as long as it remains 100% intact and you include this complete blurb with it:
Carrie Gallant, JD is a ground-breaking thought leader who lights the way for conscious business women to stand up, stand out and stand firm.
Copyright 2014 Carrie Gallant and Gallant Solutions Inc. | All Rights Reserved
I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!
There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.
Your Language Influences You
Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation. Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone. As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.
My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.
I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…” The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”
In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence. More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete. Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”
We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.
Does this matter? I think it does.
The Impact of Clarity is Exponential
One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear. Really clear on what you want.
The impact of clarity is exponential. The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and how it will affect the other person involved.
As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what I would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”. As in, “what I would really like is X, if Y happens“. For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).”
See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.
“I want” simply is. The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how, your want is fulfilled. And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!
Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want. And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.
There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}. It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.
Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want. It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly. This creates confidence that you can hold your own.
Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.
What do I really WANT?
Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:
These five people most likely influence your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours – and ultimately your success, professionally, financially, personally.
Big Question: Are you okay with that?
Is your Circle of 5 by default or design?
Do they lift you up, where you can soar in all your magnificence?
Do they celebrate your successes and encourage you, stand by you, as you reach your dreams and goals?
Then: YAHOO!!! Go celebrate with them!
Or do they bring you down? Do they gossip or speak negatively about others?
Does being around them keep you playing small, where you don’t threaten them? Keep you “safe” by discouraging your taking any risks or new challenges?
Or perhaps “they” aren’t doing anything but being themselves, yet YOU play smaller, dim your light, stifle your magnificence because YOU don’t want to risk them being uncomfortable?
Here’s the thing.
If you want to “change the world”, create a positive impact, make a difference, your influence and impact will be richer, stronger and more empowered if you are being influenced by supporters, rather than diminishers.
Even a “Tall Poppy” thrives when it’s surrounded by other tall poppies.
Leonie Dawson’s recent post Are Your Friends Setting You Up to Shine or Stumble? is poignant in her relating of her own journey as a creative business owner, mom of two young girls, making it up as she goes along and the challenges growing her business through multiple six figures. She had to make some hard choices to let go in order to grow – both personally and professionally, as she continues to influence other creative entrepreneurs to build successful business, so they can also serve and influence others.
Good leaders know the best way for them to succeed is to hire people who are smarter at what they do. As Leonie says:
“If you don’t know people who are smarter, more successful, happier, creating bigger things or thinking bigger than you… you are in the wrong room.”
Take an inventory of your Circle of 5 – if you want to elevate its membership, consider who you want to spend more time with. Join a Mastermind group to expand your business or professional goals.
Who do you want in YOUR Success Circle?
A number of years ago, when I first awakened to this process, I looked at my circle of influence – and I wasn’t completely happy. There was Negative Nelly, who seemed to only see the world through “poor me” glasses, that no matter how I tried to “help her” change, was not in a place yet to change those glasses to at least half-full of possibilities (yes, I am mixing metaphors – and trust you get the picture :)), instead of all doom and gloom.
So, I bumped a couple of people from my Circle of Influence list – by distancing myself from their influence, or reducing the amount of time spent with them as well as the weight I placed on their words and opinions.
Deciding to spend less time with some people or investing less weight in their views and opinions opens up the door to choice – to purposefully invite into your world those who inspire you, motivate you, who genuinely want you to succeed, to thrive and be fulfilled, even happy.
Over the years, I have added a few more people whose influence I believed would have a positive impact on me and my life (and they have!). Now I use my Circle of 5 list as a guide for how I allocate my time, especially when things get busy.
In this way, the person I am really influencing most is ME!
The title of the Careers column in this Saturday’s Globe and Mail Careers caught my eye over brunch: “Money, work and the value of self-worth: If you want financial independence, and recognition for your talents, keep talking about compensation“.
The author, Leah Eichler, acknowledged that, like many women, the topic of compensation makes her uncomfortable, especially when it relates to work she loves.
Eichler’s primary recommendation – one I fully endorse – is that we women need to talk about money, and often, so we do not dismiss its importance. Dismissing the importance of money – even, and perhaps most especially when it comes to work we love, or work that is important to our community – leads to so many other issues and difficulties in a woman’s life, than just her financial independence.
And ultimately they are related too; the core paradigm in the Money Breakthrough Method® is this: “How you do money, is how you do everything”.
Here are 3 Tips:
1. Be Willing to Talk About Money
When you aren’t willing to discuss money – either in a conversation with your spouse, or a negotiation for salary or your fees – you are signaling a whole lot of information. To others, for sure. And more importantly, to yourself. How you feel and think about yourself can be greatly impacted by the weight of the things that you avoid, or tolerate in your life. Your self-worth is worth, well, a lot.
“It never feels good to be underpaid – we know in our hearts this isn’t fair.” Barbara Stewart notes this in her 2011 global research study of 50 women called Rich Thinking: A Global study – A Guide to Building Financial Confidence in Girls and Women.
We know there are a lot of reasons for the continued gender pay gap in the workplace, and here in Canada we have experienced over 20 years of pay equity laws in most provinces (my current home province of British Columbia being a glaring exception) designed to remedy a good portion of that gap. I know these impacted and changed the financial situation of a lot of women and their families – I witnessed it first hand during my ten years as a mediator and chief legal counsel with the Ontario Pay Equity Commission.
And yet, I’ve come to understand how deep the gap goes and that real change must happen in women’s inner lives, as much as outer change in society at large. How you value yourself, and the work you do – even when it’s work you love – impacts how you stand up for your worth, and how you ask others to recognize it too. And talking about money in that regard is one important way you can stand up for your worth.
2. Aim For 1% Increase
No – I don’t mean aim for a 1% increase in your negotiations. (I know you can do better!)
Apply the 1% Increase Rule here: aim for 1% more courage, tenacity and perseverance with each opportunity to have a conversation about money. Sooner than you think, you will realise you have mastered your discomfort, fear and avoidance of money conversations. Hey, the compound effect works here too.
I believe having money conversations is so important, I included an entire module in the Clear Your Money Clutter program that is devoted to how to have a difficult conversation around money.
3. Value What You Do, and More Money Will Follow
It’s a very old paradigm that suggested that we shouldn’t get paid a lot for doing what we love; it simply doesn’t fit with our modern western society – where women are increasingly the main breadwinner in their families and two income couples are the norm.
The opposite notion can be equally misleading – that of “Do what you love, and the money will follow”. Do what you love, by all means. And value what you do. Your self-worth will thank you.
Discover how what you do is valuable to others. And find out how that value translates into a monetary value.
And then talk about it.
Learn how to ask for more, how to negotiate, how to charge what you are worth. You know in your heart it will feel good.
I have to negotiate for my job, but I don’t like it
I’m always worried about what I’ve missed and what the other side will think
These are all statements I have heard over the years from my female clients, students, and participants in my workshops.
Surveys of professional women point to similar expressions of a fear or dislike of negotiation. Fear of negotiation is usually based on several limiting beliefs, including the way many women tend to perceive the word “negotiation”. Recent research shows that even the word “negotiation” evokes a negative reaction in many women.
Women See It Differently
Although there are certainly some men who don’t like to negotiate, far more men than women are excited by negotiation, enjoy it and look forward to it. Men are more likely to see negotiation as a game, one they can win or lose. Many men are excited by the prospect of winning such a game, and although some might fear the prospect of losing, many men see there is something to be achieved and skills to master.
Women are far more likely to see negotiation as a relationship, one that can be developed, fixed, damaged or broken. I witnessed this contrast in stark reality every year in the negotiation course I taught to law students, as the gender mix of students was 50-50. Male students were more likely to align with a competitive or adversarial view of negotiation; female students with a collaborative or relational view.
The Result:
Women often don’t see opportunities to negotiate, or an opportunity to shape or influence a favourable result. In their book, Everyday Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that as women,
We let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.
Here’s the Truth:
Negotiation is a learned skill – and many women simply have not been taught or learned how to negotiate effectively.
Fear of negotiation is limiting, especially when it leads to a built in resistance to change, or creates blinders to seeing opportunities.
Learning more about negotiation and practicing new skills can create discomfort, unless you are persistent and push beyond the discomfort of the change required for adopting and eventually mastering new skills.
Shift to Success:
Reframe your beliefs about negotiation.
Consider negotiation as an opportunity to shape a result that meets your needs. Just about everything is negotiable – if you see it that way! Recognize that you negotiate every day, in many small and some significant situations; to be more satisfied with what you end up with, you might as well practice being a good negotiator!
Allow yourself to get uncomfortable with your status quo, and to get comfortable with challenging any limiting beliefs that block your progress in becoming an effective negotiator.
Practice whenever you can, particular with smaller less-risky negotiations; when you face the more significant negotiations, you will be ready to face them more confidently and more effectively.
That’s exactly what G. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa propose in 
Knowledge Empowers You™.
These five people most likely influence your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours – and ultimately your success, professionally, financially, personally.
Do they lift you up, where you can soar in all your magnificence? 
If you want to “change the world”, create a positive impact, make a difference, your influence and impact will be richer, stronger and more empowered if you are being influenced by supporters, rather than diminishers.
