Are You Afraid to Negotiate?

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Are You Afraid to Negotiate?

 

Afraid to NegotiateI hate negotiating, especially for myself
Negotiation is manipulation
I get so anxious when I negotiate
I’m afraid I’m going to be taken advantage of
I’m no good at negotiating
I have to negotiate for my job, but I don’t like it
I’m always worried about what I’ve missed and what the other side will think

 

These are all statements I have heard over the years from my female clients, students, and participants in my workshops.

Surveys of professional women point to similar expressions of a fear or dislike of negotiation.  Fear of negotiation is usually based on several limiting beliefs, including the way many women tend to perceive the word “negotiation”.  Recent research shows that even the word “negotiation” evokes a negative reaction in many women.

Women See It Differently

Although there are certainly some men who don’t like to negotiate, far more men than women are excited by negotiation, enjoy it and look forward to it.    Men are more likely to see negotiation as a game, one they can win or lose.  Many men are excited by the prospect of winning such a game, and although some might fear  the prospect of losing, many men  see there is something to be achieved and skills to master.

Women are far more likely to see negotiation as a relationship, one that can be developed, fixed, damaged or broken.  I witnessed this contrast in stark reality every year in the negotiation course I taught to law students, as the gender mix of students was 50-50. Male students were more likely to align with a competitive or adversarial view of negotiation; female students with a collaborative or relational view.

The Result:

Women often don’t see opportunities to negotiate, or an opportunity to shape or influence a favourable result.  In their book, Everyday Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that as women,Tools to Negotiate

We let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.

Here’s the Truth:

Negotiation is a learned skill – and many women simply have not been taught or learned how to negotiate effectively.

Fear of negotiation is limiting, especially when it leads to a built in resistance to change, or creates blinders to seeing opportunities.

Learning more about negotiation and practicing new skills can create discomfort, unless you are persistent and push beyond the discomfort of the change required for adopting and eventually mastering new skills.

Quote Temp Inconvenience

Shift to Success: 

Reframe your beliefs about negotiation.

Consider negotiation as an opportunity to shape a result that meets your needs. Just about everything is negotiable – if you see it that way!  Recognize that you negotiate every day, in many small and some significant situations; to be more satisfied with what you end up with, you might as well practice being a good negotiator!

Allow yourself to get uncomfortable with your status quo, and to get comfortable with challenging any limiting beliefs that block your progress in becoming an effective negotiator.

Practice whenever you can, particular with smaller less-risky negotiations; when you face the more significant negotiations, you will be ready to face them more confidently and more effectively.

Is Your Self-Worth Driving Your Net Worth?

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Self-Worth = Net Worth?

 

Heart and money

Meggan Watterson, Harvard trained theologian and author of the critically acclaimed new book REVEAL: A Sacred Manual For Getting Spiritually Naked, sees a relationship between self-worth and net-worth. 

If your net-worth is not where you want it to be today, consider the state of your self-worth: is it reflecting your net worth? Chances are it might be.

So why is that? Let’s take a look…

If you’ve been to any of my Art of Negotiation for Women seminars or presentations, you’ve heard me say there are 3 types of worth at play when it comes to earning your worth – really claiming your worth and getting paid what you’re worth. This is true for professionals AND entrepreneurs.

Three Types of Worth:

  1. External: Your worth in the marketplace
  2. Situational: Your worth to the other person (hint: this is all about their needs, wants and desires)
  3. Internal: You got it – this is all about your self-worth

It might be easy to think you can handle each one of these separately, but it usually doesn’t work that way, especially for women. You want to look at, examine and even enhance all three – and often enhancing your self-worth can be solved through your actions in one of the other two areas.

Let’s take a look at the third type of worth – your Internal or Inner Worth. How you view yourself, how you value yourself, how you LOVE yourself.

A Woman’s Worth

We know that our self-worth as women is generally tangled up in society’s views of women, what a woman should do or be, what a woman’s worth. And that includes our own family’s views. We often internalize these views that others hold, even on a subconscious level where they gain a firm foothold as a limiting belief. If this is you, your inner worth – your self-worth – becomes a reflection of what others think.

Sound familiar?  Well I want you to know it’s not your fault.

Heck, we have millennia of history (herstory?) and generations before us that show women in very limited roles in society, and most often without rights to earn their own money or own their own property.

Did you know…?

 

Did you know that women in the United States  could not apply for their own credit card until 1974??? (Yes, really that is true – it took federal legislation to change that).  Sadly, these rights remain unavailable for women in many other cultures. {Although arguably we would ALL be better off with less access to credit! :-}

So what’s a girl to do?

Well, first: let’s ask instead “what’s a WOMAN would to do?” Because really, we aren’t girls anymore, and how we refer to ourselves matters. Language is powerful – the words we choose convey a lot.

As Rachel Wilkerson said recently on her blog,

…referring to adult women as girls is problematic. First, it seems to undermine our experiences and maturity. I don’t want to be referred to as a girl at work; I’m a capable adult and should be given the appropriate title that reflects that. Second, the term “girl” seems like a way of excusing our own bad behavior or our lack of responsibility. To me, “girl” implies that I’m young and therefore allowed to be irresponsible…I feel like calling myself and my peers “women” helps me raise my standards and expectations.

Here are Three Things you can do, right now:

Hang Out With Others Who Demonstrate High Self-Worth

It’s been said many times that your net worth is  the average of the five people you spend the most time with. The same can be said about your inner worth and personal growth.

Role models and mentors are key to bolstering your belief and trust in yourself – in building up your Inner Worth, and fending off any contrary views, regardless of whether they are internalized or verbalized by your family, your friends or your foes.

This is so much easier today, where you can “hang out” with high level mentors and role models on-line! Follow those you admire, and really listen.  Be on the look-out for what they do, what they say, and what they believe. Especially where their self-worth has been challenged and yet they have succeeded in forging a strong sense of self and self-worth.

See if you can model what you are learning from them.

Protect Your Inner Sanctum

Be careful what views you allow into your Inner Sanctum – your Mind: your thoughts, beliefs and emotions.  Watch what conversations you are having with others: if they are anti-role models for you, find a graceful way to nip the conversation in the bud.

Daring GreatlyI love what Brené Brown said in her recent interview with Oprah, about dealing with negative feedback (in particular that toxic, anonymous, tear-down feedback) about her work: “I made a commitment that if you are not in the arena getting your butt kicked on occasion, I’m not interested in your feedback.” Then check out her latest book, Daring Greatly.

Value What You Do

We’ll dive deeper into increasing your sense of self-worth in future articles.  For now, here’s the thing I want you to get:

I can teach you everything I know about negotiating, and about negotiating for yourself (a key differentiator for women as it turns out – but not for men).

But at the end of the day, if you don’t feel worthy of asking, then you won’t. It’s that simple. I know this is true because you’re telling me the truth. You won’t ask for what you want, and you won’t ask for more than they offer.

Let me say this another way:

In order to be able to ask, you have to FEEL that you are worthy of asking.

Before we even look at how to ask for what you want, we want to first get clear that you ARE worthy of asking, and you are worthy of receiving what you are asking for.

The place to start is to VALUE what you do, and that includes everything you do, whether you exchange it for money or not.  Value how and where you spend your time and your money. If you do not value your time and energy, you block your flow of receiving in exchange for your services. And that includes money.

If you’re hoping that other people will see your value and give you more… (You know who you are)

If you’re hoping someone else will unlock your prison of under-earning for you…

Well, my friend, you are going to be waiting for a long time.

As the results show after 50 years of the U.S. Equal Pay Act and 30 years of aggressive Pay Equity legislation in most jurisdictions in Canada (except my province of BC) – there is a slow and painful reality to waiting for someone else – your boss, your spouse or even the government – to wake up and give you what you’re worth.

When YOU value your gifts and your services – truly value what you do and who you are – when YOU stand in that energy and YOU are willing to see your own magnificence, then others are able to see that too.

It truly is A Matter of Simple Justice to know your own worth! And if you’re having trouble inventorying your value on your own, ask for help!  Ask colleagues, friends and family (those whom you trust to give you a straight answer) what they value about you – your gifts, your strengths, and your assets.  You might be surprised to find out what they see in you.

It’s time. Time to do a little exploring. Time to inventory. Time to clarify. Time to ask.

Time to ride your own white horse to your own rescue.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it…

Journal this question: What could you do right now to honor your worth more? Right now. Commit to implementing one thing for the next 7 days.

Then come back in one week and journal this question:  What has changed for you?

Would You Like to Seal the Deal and Put 20% More in Your Pocket?

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Putting it in Writing – Part II

Sign Here

Putting Your Offer in Writing

Last time I talked about the value of getting any agreement in writing, even if you only confirm it in a simple email.  This time, let’s look at the value of putting your offer in writing and giving it to the other side.

In the legal world it is common to open negotiations with some kind of offer in writing that typically declares a client’s position or demand. Sometimes the negotiations continue in writing until the parties reach an agreement; other times negotiations break down and the parties and/or their counsel take their case to a third party mediator or a judge to bring them to an agreement or a final decision.

Consider where else you can find value in putting your offer in writing, when you may influence or persuade another more effectively in writing.

I was recently the guest expert on an Ask the Expert call for Women’s Financial Learning Center, where the Q&A session focused on salary negotiations, as a follow-up to a tele seminar on the 7 Mistakes in Salary Negotiation.  One listener asked whether it is wise to submit your request for a higher salary in writing.  I recommended – among other things – considering the level of formality expected in the organization, and the level of position in question.

Does your situation call for a written offer?

For example, a senior executive – especially those in the C-suite – would likely want the various offers dealt with in writing, in particular as the compensation packages at that level can be quite complex and structured in a variety of complicated ways.

In contrast, if your dream job is at a more casual “jeans and t-shirt” style company where any negotiations take place in conversation over coffee or lunch, making a written offer may be less effective, even over the top.  However, test your assumptions on this one; that casual dress style may belie the seriousness of the management style.

Why it’s valuable to document your offer

Either way, it can prove quite valuable to lay out in a document all the reasons why you are asking for something, whether that is a raise or higher salary, a flexible work week, or an extra monitor for your desk computer.

Here’s a great example that one of the Ask the Expert participants gave that illustrates the value of putting your request or offer in writing:

A young woman approached her manager (our participant) to ask for a substantial raise – 20% — at a time when the organization had been experiencing economic difficulty. She gave a very clear and persuasive verbal presentation detailing all the reasons why she was worth a 20% raise, including the extra work she had taken on and all the other things that created value added for the organization.  She backed up her presentation with a written document outlining all her reasons, and gave her manager a copy.  Her manager was quite persuaded the young woman had a good point, and took the written document to her superiors, who would ultimately make the decision.  Now, impressed as they were, the young woman did not ultimately get her full 20% — BUT just about all of it!

Why did she do so well, despite poor economic conditions?

Let’s break it down.

She did her homework.  She was prepared.

  • Business woman shaking handsShe decided WHAT she wanted, and WHAT she would ask for (note: these can often be different amounts.  We’ll save that for another post).
  • She crafted reasons why what she requested would matter to her employer; she laid out WHY she was asking.
  • She understood that she first needed to influence her manager that what she asked for was reasonable and of value to the organization.
  • She made it easy for her manager to say “yes” through her verbal and written presentation.  When we make things easy for others to say “yes”, they are more likely to do so.
  • She also made it easy for her manager to then present her “case” with the back-up document to the powers that be – the decision-makers.
  • Finally, she also then made it easy for the decision-makers to say yes – her manager supported her request, and her back-up documentation laid it all out in front of them.

THE BIG LESSON

The lesson here is to consider how putting your request or offer in writing will help you in your negotiations, and how you can best use that document.  A primary benefit will be to help you clarify your thinking; clarify what you want and why that will matter to the other side.  This helps you to prepare for the negotiation conversation.  Even if you don’t show it to the other side, this value alone will improve your satisfaction with your outcome.

If you are going to give your document to the other side, consider HOW you will share it – as a follow-up to your verbal request in the conversation, or later by email; or the reverse, will you begin the conversation by sending them your document and offer to discuss?

There are myriad ways you can support your negotiations with a written document.  If you’ve done your preparation homework, you’ll have a good sense of whether to share it, when the optimum moment is to share it, and how to present it to them.

Even if you never share that document, it’s greatest value may be to YOU, to clarify your thoughts and organize your message.

And that’s WORTH a lot!

 

Why We Love Putting It In Writing (And You Should, Too!)

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Putting it in Writing – Part I

I always advise that it is wise to ensure that you get any agreement in writing – even if it’s as simple as following up your negotiation conversation with an email detailing your understanding of the agreement and requesting a confirmation by reply; just make sure you also keep the emails!  File them with your other important documents.

Putting any agreement in writing ensures that you both have a shared understanding, and gives you a record of that agreement to refer back to if any questions, disagreements or diversions from that agreement arise later on.

Consider any agreed change as an opportunity to put your understanding in writing, and seek confirmation or agreement on that.

Why is this so important? 

As a mediator and former practicing lawyer, I know only too well the devastation people experience when they rely on a verbal agreement, only to find later that their expectations were radically different.  Can you spell conflict?  This is one that can be easily avoided (and I don’t mean by running away!)

What if you agree to take on an extra project at work? One which will require you to work extra hours, in exchange for an extra week’s vacation so you can attend your friend’s wedding next spring in Maui?  You may trust that your current boss will honour that agreement, but what if something happens to her and she leaves the company?  What if she has a different recollection in six months time?

It can be as simple as an email.

Getting it in writing doesn’t have to mean an elaborate document full of legalese. In many cases, it’s sufficient to tap out an email of your understanding of what you and the other person just decided, or agreed to. Check that your understanding matches and ask for any changes. Then keep your emails in a file as a record of your conversation, your understanding, your agreement.

Get confirmation of it in writing in this way, and you won’t have to worry about the future vacation time.

MaiTais

Have a Mai Tai for me!

How is Your Inner-Net Performing?

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I love this 2010 article I re-discovered recently as I was de-cluttering my computer hard-drive…

Motherboard brainIs Your Inner-Net like mine?  

My brain is a complex web of cells, capable of transmitting vast amounts of information along the “super-highway” of neurons, synapses….directing traffic to various parts of my body (lift hand, curl fingers, grasp coffee cup, raise arm with cup towards mouth…ahhhh…coffee!!), as well as to my mind (thinking thinking thinking, deciding, imagining, absorbing information, discarding information, judging, etc.).

Brain at WorkMy brain is capable of a lot, and a heck of a lot more than I actually use.  But I now know a few things about how to use my brain more effectively, thanks to David Rock, and his new book The Brain at Work.

A management consultant with an insatiable interest in the “why” of things, Rock has made accessible the latest key findings of the top neuroscientists on how our brains function, when they function best, and why it’s not a good idea to drive while your cell phone is glued to your ear (thankfully, outlawed in Vancouver just in time for the 2010 Olympics).

My Biggest Takeaway: My Inner-Net functions only as well as what I ask of it, and most important, WHEN I ask it.

Some of the main ideas in Rock’s book struck me as true intuitively; “I knew that” on some level before.  And now I know why, which means I have no more excuses!

For example, I bet you already know the value of planning out your day’s priorities before the day starts, or before beginning a project.  Did you know that is because “planning” activities take up an enormous amount of the brain’s energy?  And if you try to do anything so absorptive as planning after attending to your email, it’s incredibly difficult primarily because the frontal cortex has already been too taxed?  Again, you may have experienced this, but you’ll know why from Rock’s book, and have no more excuses for allowing email to be your first priority!

Prioritize Prioritizing

In fact, my favourite take-away from The Brain at Work is to “Prioritize Prioritizing”.  I shared that phrase in a workshop recently, and at the end, one manager said that it fundamentally changed how he will structure his day!  He could see how his best work with his team comes from prioritizing, and that even though it “takes time”, it takes so much fresh brain power that it needs to be the TOP priority.

Addendum:  You’ve probably heard me talk about the value of investing time in preparing for your influencing and negotiation conversations  – this type of planning contributes up to 80% of your outcomes!

These findings illuminate WHY you want to PRIORITIZE your negotiation planning & preparation, and find some quiet time away from minutiae and get your thoughts out on paper!

The Art of Listening to Influence Effectively

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Authentic Influence is the Art of communicating authentically – being willing to articulate your needs and wants, as well as being genuinely curious about the other person’s needs and wants.  Being their ally – helping them to meet their needs – can powerfully influence them to help you get your needs met too.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.                                           ~Dale Carnegie

Expressing yourself effectively is only half of communicating to influence.  Mastering the Art of Listening is one of the special qualities of a great communicator.

Listening is a critical part of communication, even though it may seem like a passive activity.  Like speaking, listening also provides us with the opportunity to connect with others. 

How to Listen

How often have you had the experience of talking to someone and knowing that while they heard you, they weren’t really listening to you?

And how often do you find yourself thinking about what you are going to say next, instead of focusing on what the other person is saying?

This is ‘passive’ listening – when we hear what someone else is saying, but we’re not actively engaged in the communication process with them.  We may be distracted, disinterested, or thinking about what we are going to say next.

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.  ~Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Active Listening Means Really Trying to Understand

I'm Listening SMOn the other hand, you’ve probably also been in conversations before where the other person seems to be very engaged, attentive and participative.  They look at you in the eye, make affirming comments to indicate they are listening; they nod and smile, and ask questions.

We know when someone is paying attention and truly hearing us.

This is ‘active’ listening – listening in order to understand the other person and the meaning of their message, being fully engaged in the communication process.

Active listening is the biggest communication challenge, especially in our fast-paced, hurry-up world.   It’s not enough to simply hear what the other person is saying.  You must seek to understand the meaning behind their words.

How?  By noticing the words, voice and body language of the person speaking. By paying close attention to HOW they are saying something you are more likely to understand what it is they are REALLY communicating.

Quick Tips to be a better ‘active’ listener:

  • When the other person is talking, don’t interrupt. Wait for an appropriate break in the conversation before speaking. In fact, the less you speak the more you will accomplish.
  • Wait for them. Let them pause.  They may not be finished and are just gathering their thoughts. Everyone has a different way of speaking and their own unique thought processes. They may be searching for the right way to express themselves. Give them time to say what they want to say.
  • Give them 100% of your attention. Watch for non-verbal cues. Let them know you are interested in what they are saying.
  • Make solid eye contact.  Show them that at that moment there is nothing more important than what they are saying. You body language will tell them if that is true or not.
  • Show that you are interested and engaged.  Nodding, smiling, making short affirming comments, and asking questions are all great ways to show them you are listening!

 Summary:

  1. Be an “active” listener – a critical part of being a powerful and influential communicator.
  1. To be an effective listener you must: let the other person talk, wait for them to finish their thoughts, give them 100% of your attention, make affirming comments, ask questions, and make solid eye contact.  Listen to what they say, and what they really mean!

Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force…When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.

~Karl Menninger

Keys to Negotiating with Integrity

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1070784_24790239What is it about “negotiation” that sends so many people running for cover, eager to avoid it altogether, while others jump in, guns-a-blazing, eager to win at all costs? If you have experienced negotiation as a battle, game or competition to be won or lost, you might run away, or jump right in, depending on your desire for, or past experience with, competition. You might even be thinking, “well, I don’t really negotiate”.

Negotiation is an essential life skill.

We all negotiate, in one form or another, just about every day of our lives, at work and at home – we buy and sell things, negotiate rental agreements, hire renovators, accept job offers and promotions, determine responsibilities on work teams, and in our families.

Helping hand shakes another in an agreementNegotiation is how we reach agreement with others, deal with our differences, and manage our lives.

Effective negotiation involves awareness – of our ability to influence others and to be influenced. If we are unaware that we are in negotiation, we miss opportunities to influence, and we may have been influenced, persuaded, or changed without our knowledge. Does that feel like success? Perhaps for someone else!

Negotiating with integrity involves a heightened awareness of HOW we choose to influence, and the impact of the results. Do we want to deal with our differences in a way that is holistic and least damaging, or to emerge triumphant, with the spoils of our victory strewn on the ground behind us?

Negotiating with integrity is a way of life.

Some of us might know integrity only when it is lacking – that niggling feeling that eats away at our insides, until we do something about it, or simply bury it. If we are more conscious of integrity in our lives, we might notice that it is two things:

  • a personal inner sense of “wholeness”; and
  • consistent honesty or “uprightness” of character.

You might experience your integrity as a sense of “being clear”, and “being clean”. Being clear as to what makes you “whole”, what matters to you. Being clean as to the impact you leave behind, both in your own life and others’.

This is a primer on how we can begin to integrate our whole selves, our values and integrity, in our negotiations, whatever our skill level.

HOW you negotiate is just as or more important than WHAT you negotiate.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERANegotiating with integrity considers what kind of “wake” we leave behind, much like the wake a boat leaves behind in the water.

In his book Integrity: The Courage To Meet The Demands Of Reality, Henry Cloud identifies the two trails of the wake as “tasks” (what you accomplish) and “relationships” (how you deal with people). Both trails of a wake are important to a smooth ride on the water. And both are affected by integrity.

Unskilled negotiators focus almost exclusively on the “task”, or the WHAT of their negotiation, particularly money, and neglect to consider and prepare the HOW – how they will negotiate for their desired outcomes.

The drag is, if we only prepare the task side, our boat may drive around in circles! We need both sides of the boat ready, and in working order, to reach our destination. We need to pay attention to both tasks and relationships in our negotiations.

Negotiation IS a Relationship.

Negotiation always takes place in relationship. Even a one-time negotiation is still a relationship – someone else is participating.

People do not want to be a “task”, one of the many things you have to “do”. The earlier you focus on the relationship, the better for your negotiation: in preparing to negotiate, you can imagine what will be important to the other person. What needs or values might have to be satisfied in order to reach agreement? How will she prefer to negotiate? How can you best communicate with her?

Negotiating successfully to outcomes that satisfy you, and are congruent with your values and integrity, is more likely when the other party is also satisfied. Building a trusting relationship with your negotiating “partner” is possible when your behaviour is grounded in respect and integrity. When you see and treat the other person as having needs, values and desires of their own, respect what differences exist, and work together to find solutions that work for both parties, you are negotiating with respect and integrity.

Now, the “solution” may not provide the exact outcome you had envisioned, OR it may lead to an even better outcome than you had ever imagined.

Coming up next in our series on Negotiating With Integrity: How Your Mindset Can Mess You Up

Feminine Advocacy Secret No. 1

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Finally, the secrets you’ve been waiting for! Last time I told you about Feminine Advocacy, what it means and why I am writing about it.

And I promised I would share Secret No. 1 next….drum roll…

Secret No. 1 is…Know What You Want

Secret No. 1 is all about getting crystal clear about exactly what it is that you want; a clear vision of your desired outcome, all the details about it.

  • What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to be different? What does it look like?
  • What would you accept? What would you say “yes” to? What would you say “no” to?
  • What does it feel like, when you get it? How will you know you have it?
  • What gets to happen when you have that?

Why this is important:

The #1 reason why most people don’t get what they want is because they don’t KNOW what they want!  Like the fellow who asked for “socks and underwear” from Santa WestJet for Christmas.

Screen Shot 2013-12-20 at 10.17.12 AM

I bet he has some regrets about not being clearer what he really wanted, like this family was!

All I want for Christmas is..

Clarifying your objectives is critical to advocating for what is important to you. If you’re not clear what you want, what you stand for, what you believe – how can you stand in your power and advocate?

The clearer you are about what is important for you to achieve, and what you will not accept, the easier it will be to keep your focus steady, and not become distracted from your outcome goal.

Think through it, not just about it.

Why is this so challenging for women?

You’re not used to thinking about your own wants and needs. You’re conditioned to put others’ needs first – this is what a “good woman” does, or is expected to do. And that conditioning usually starts at a young age, with “good girl” messages that reward putting others first, and discourage the very activities you are now encouraged as a woman to do more of as you lean in. Stand up. Stand out. Advocate. Ask. For what you want. For more.

The result of “good girl” conditioning? Women often fail to recognize opportunities to lean in, to improve their life – their job, their enjoyment, and their financial status – through advocacy, influencing, persuasion or negotiation. And we fail to recognize those very opportunities because our wants are faint, fuzzy walk-in-the-fog-PDor foggy.

And “foggy” wants and needs lead to foggy outcomes – that’s not very satisfying!

Plus…

When you don’t know what you REALLY want, it’s easy to get sidetracked, pulled off-kilter by other things – you can’t really be centered and grounded in your power, when you are vague or fuzzy.

Research shows there are several gender-based triggers that sabotage women in negotiating. One of these triggers is ambiguity – and you can counter that ambiguity by getting super clear!

Think through it, not just about it.

Tips for getting clear:

• Write it out. Use the questions above to get you started. Getting it down on paper and out of your head helps to crystallize things.
• Clear your mind first. Women’s lives are so full of many different roles and obligations, it can be challenging to get clear if you don’t clear space in your mind.
• Meditate. Breathe. Alone or with a guided track. Here is a short guided meditation I recorded specifically to help you get clear. All in less than five minutes. You can spare five minutes, right?

The real VALUE in investing the time to get clear?

When you DO know what you REALLY want and why that is important to you, here’s what gets to happen.

Willow Tree

You’re like a Willow Tree when the wind blows – your roots are firmly in the ground (you know what you want and why, what is important to you), and you can sway, gracefully, with the wind. But you are still standing after the wind passes by – standing firmly in your power, with your authentic self, values and vision intact.

Centered, calm, certain, and confident.

Now, doesn’t that feel better?

 

Coming soon…Feminine Advocacy Secret No. 2

Feminine Advocacy: How to Ask For and Get What You Want

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Recently, I was invited to speak at the 2013 mSummit here in Vancouver BC, about “Feminine Advocacy” for savvy working 2013-11-16 12.55.34moms.  I was totally excited because the keynote speaker was Arlene Dickinson, co-star of Dragon’s Den, and I really wanted to meet her in person, get my dog-eared copy of her book Persuasion signed, and most of all to have my picture taken with Arlene!  How fun would that be – two red-heads!

Alas, the last part was not to be.

Although I sat a few feet from Arlene’s great shoes during her keynote talk, the luncheon ran late, and Arlene’s book signing and photo session ran directly opposite my own talk.  Not only did I miss my photo op with Arlene, many of those who signed up for my talk had to make a hard choice about what they wanted – and hey, I do not blame anyone who chose Arlene’s session.  In the end, my small audience was just perfect – they got what they wanted too.

Afterwards, I got to think about sharing my message on Feminine Advocacy beyond that talk.  Over the next few posts, I’m going to share the core of my talk: the 3 Feminine Advocacy Secrets to Asking For and Getting What You Want.

First, why “Feminine Advocacy?” And what is it, exactly?

Back in the dark ages when I was in law school (aka the 1980s), I studied Feminist Advocacy, which was, I dare say, a bit different than the subject I was being asked to speak about to a group of working moms in 2013.  And yet, perhaps in a way it wasn’t.

In the 1980s it took the feminist lens to shake up conventional, traditional and patriarchal thinking about what made for good advocacy in court, and what made a “female” lawyer effective (how we were described back then). A group of us women asked for this course to be created. We wanted to learn how to be in the world – how to be a good lawyer, and how to be women in a (still then) man’s profession.

Fast forward 25 years later, and women are still “leaning in” to claim leadership and our rightful place at the table.  The gender wage gap continues in Canada, even after 20 plus years of pay equity legislation federally and in most provinces and territories (except in BC, my current home K), and in the U.S. as well. Women aged 25 to 34 earned 78.3 cents for each dollar received by their male counterparts in 2010 (Conference Board of Canada).  The need for change continues.

“Feminine Advocacy” is also about how to be a woman in this modern world.  How to ask for, advocate for, what you want in your career, business and life.  The difference today is the depth and breadth of experience we now have with what makes for good leadership overall, as well as proven results in how gender differences enrich business outcomes and contribute to a stronger bottom-line, triple or otherwise.

Why “Advocacy”? In starting to prepare my talk for mSummit, I consulted dictionary.com and my own dictionary (the 10-pound behemoth Webster’s Encyclopedic Dictionary I’ve carted across Canada since undergrad English) for a formal definition of “advocacy”.  Here’s what I found:

Advocacy:  “The act of pleading or arguing in favor of something, e.g. a cause, idea or policy.”  Or more simply à la Webster’s: “advocating”, which in turn is defined as “to plead on behalf or, or use persuasion in support of.”

Here’s the reality with advocacy.  It’s still only one side of the story. As great as your ability to persuade or plead is, the reality is that others do what they want to do, for their own reasons.  And they will be persuaded by you, or not, for their own reasons.

Another reality: advocacy works best when you have influenced another person to do something, think or believe something.  And influencing is most effective when you consider the needs of the other person. My definition of “Feminine Advocacy” incorporates the feminine need for connection, the natural inclination to “tend and befriend” in crisis.

Feminine Advocacy seeks to influence others towards what you want by considering how it works for them.  Let’s face it, if what you want doesn’t benefit them in some way that is valuable to them, why would they do it? Sure, you could try to control the situation, or try to force them to do it.  I think you already know how that will turn out. Especially in the long-term.

Advocacy is one of three essential skills in my Diamond Negotiation Model in the Art of Negotiation for Women VIP Program. Advocacy is about sharing your wants, needs, and objectives – what you want to achieve.  Inquiry is about being curious about the other person – their wants, needs, and objectives – what they want to achieve. Listening is the skill that bridges Inquiry and Advocacy.

Here’s the tricky thing for women. Advocating for yourself, asking for what you want, is something you are four times less likely than a man to do.  And there’s a lot of research now that backs this up, particular when it comes to salary. Research also shows when women are given the skills and tools, they negotiate just as well as men do on behalf of their company or someone else, but poorly on their own behalf; however, there was no difference in the results for men; i.e. their results were the same whether they negotiated for themselves or someone else.

So what’s the secret, then, besides acting as if you are advocating on behalf of someone else (hint: that’s a pretty great secret)?

I’ll reveal the mystery in upcoming posts.

Coming up Next: Feminine Advocacy Secret #1.