Tag Archives: Clarity

Women negotiating

The 5 Cs to Authentic Negotiation

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Last week I had the privilege of speaking at the Vancouver Chapter of Lean In Canada on the topic Master the Art of Negotiating and Get the Yes! Vancouver Chapter President Florence Yeung neatly summarized the key points from my talk on her own Blog. Her article so nicely captures my five-point authentic negotiation model I am sharing it here in full, with Florence’s permission:

Can you use better negotiation skills?

I think all of us can. Most women are afraid of negotiating and are 2.5X more likely to feel anxious about it than men.

I recently attended an event where the guest speaker, Carrie Gallant, taught us the 5 C’s to negotiate authentically and found these tips to be helpful so I want to share it with our readers with Carrie’s permission.

CLARIFY TO AMPLIFY

Be clear about what it is you are negotiating about. Are both sides clear on what is at stake and what is being negotiated? Laying out a clear and focused foundation for the negotiation helps set the stage for a successful negotiation.

CONNECT TO PARTNER AND PROFIT

When we think of negotiation we often feel like it’s us against them, it’s a win-lose situation. What needs to change with your mindset is that negotiating can be a partnership. A true ‘win’ in negotiation is when both sides get the majority of what they want, not when both sides ‘meet in the middle’.

So connect with your partner and grow the pie bigger, through understanding their objectives, how they want to be treated, and truly listen to understand their needs.

COLLABORATE TO CREATE YES

It can be as simple as using language such as ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ in your conversation. Similar to the point above, you want to take a collaborative approach, how can you both get what you want and grow the pie bigger overall? You will need to get creative with your options and potential outcomes, but that is what negotiation is supposed to do, flesh out all the options that could work for both parties.

CRAFT THE CONVERSATION

The best approach to take is to be calm and assertive. Easier said than done of course, but if you put in the necessary prep work to think through every possible scenario, every possible question and potential answer from your negotiation partner, you are much more likely to achieve success.

Some tactics would be to consider your openers, building your questions strategy, testing assumptions, and when to make an offer (whoever makes the first offer places an anchor for the negotiation).

One tool that is often overlooked in negotiation is silence. After you make your offer, don’t be in a haste to jump in and justify your needs, just stay silent, and wait for the other party to respond. Silence is golden.

COMMIT AND CELEBRATE

The end of a negotiation is perceived to be the point when both parties shake hands, signaling that an agreement has been reached. However, in Carrie’s words, a sprinter doesn’t stop right at the finish line, their adrenaline takes them far beyond the finish line before they can come to a complete stop. Agreement is great, but now you need ‘commitment‘.

  • Who is going to do what?
  • When are they going to do it?
  • How are they going to do it?

You need to outline all the next steps that need to be actioned to get the ball rolling, THEN you can celebrate.

While we have outlined some of the key negotiation principles Carrie shared with us during the event, there are many benefits to schedule a one-on-one with a negotiation expert like Carrie. They can help you built your negotiation strategy to get the most out of a salary negotiation, taking you further in your career.

Original article posted on Florence’s site at Pendulum Magazine.

If you’re looking to build your negotiation and influencing muscles, check out the E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Leaders Lab online program.

Contract Negotiation Basics for IT Consultants

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I was interviewed recently by Insureon for my contract negotiation tips for IT Consultants.  I was impressed by the listening skills of my interviewer, Joshua Scott, as  he captured my comments accurately. Here is the article posted on Insureon’s blog:

Client Contract Negotiation Basics for IT Consultants

Insureon Blog

Talking with people can be scary. Talking with business people over an important contract can be really scary. But you don’t have to be a cutthroat, high-powered, $1000-suit-wearing type to excel at the art of negotiation. In fact, the average IT consultant should be able to wheel and deal well enough to secure good contracts throughout their career.

Don’t know how?

Carrie Gallant (@GallantLeader), negotiation expert and president of The Gallant Leader and Gallant Solutions Inc., offers advice for how IT consultants can better negotiate a fair and beneficial contract with their clients. One benefit of getting better at negotiating? You’re less likely to need to make a claim on your IT consultant insurance.

When Negotiating IT Contracts, Clarity is Key

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Take a Holiday From Your Inner Critic

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Delighted to share this Guest Post from my friend and colleague, Tana Heminsley, over at Authentic Leadership Global.

This Holiday season, we invite you to step back from the sometimes frenetic pace of the visiting, the baking, the cooking, the shopping, and invite a little more ease and compassion into your space, into your inner world, into your relationship – with YourSELF.

One of the most insidious aspects of personality or ego that I’ve come across in my career as a coach, is the critical inner voice that hides deep within each of us. As distinct from our intuition, which is helpful in it’s guidance in our lives, Sarita Chawla, in this video shares how the inner critic can misguide us by keeping us small or holding us back.

It’s the inner voice that goes beyond constructive to be cruel and mean. It says “You’re not good enough”, “That was stupid”, “No one will like you” or “Work harder – you’re lazy”.

I think about the effects it’s having – on individuals, their families, their teams and organizations. And I imagine the possibility of a world where the mind naturally is kind in its orientation, rather than being naturally negatively oriented, as the author of Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hansen Ph.D., reminds us.

The inner critic, or the superego as described by A.H. Almaas in the workbook called “Working on the SuperEgo”, is a psychological construct – merely a thought.

It develops in our mind when we, as children, get a reaction where we feel shut down or shamed. It’s too painful for us to experience this reaction coming from others who love us, so we create a critical voice internally, “doing it” to ourselves first, which is less painful.

The Inner Critic feeds the individual and collective painbody and thus perpetuates negative energy in the world.  Eckhart Tolle talks about the unresolved, unhealed energy as the pain body in his blogpost in the Huffington Post (Eckhart Tolle, “Living in Presence with your emotional painbody”, Huffington Post, 10/6/2010.)

“There is such a thing as old emotional pain living inside you. It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a “painbody,” an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

What can you do about it?  How can you take a holiday from your Inner Critic?

It’s totally possible and worth the investment of your time.

I’ve been aware of and actively engaging with my Inner Critic for the past 10 years and here are a few things I’ve found that help:

  1. Cultivate resiliency – it will help to keep your inner critic at bay. On the days I have had a good sleep, eaten the right foods to build my energy rather than drain it, done a short meditation practice to quiet my mind, I notice I have much more perspective and can notice and more easily let go of the critical voice.
  2. Stop the cycle – as quickly as you become aware of the messages when they arise, become aware of what it’s saying, how it feels, and then see it for what it is. It’s just a thought – one you can choose in the moment to let go of.
  3. Self-manage to choose a different thought – Byron Katie’s groundbreaking work on the inner critic, focuses on reframing in the moment using 4 simple questions:
    • Is it true?
    • Can you absolutely know it’s true?
    • How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    • Who would you be without that thought?
  4. Find your own way to take a holiday from your inner critic – for some, it’s helpful to be compassionate with the voice, once they become aware of where it came from (well-meaning parents, teachers or others who influenced us). For others they need to scream at it inside their mind (and sometimes out loud if they are in a place where they can yell), for others it’s about laughing at it as they realize how it no longer fits with their quest to be their authentic or best self.
  5. Imagine what your life would be like without it – reflect on how much energy you spend on managing your inner critic currently. How different would your life be if you spent just 10% less time on it. What would you do (or not do) with that unleashed energy and time?
  6. Practice daily – talk to yourself like you talk to your best friend. It says it all. Be kinder to you and you’ll be kinder to others.

Imagine a world where we all let go of our inner critics more of the time – that’s the world I’m striving for.

Tana Heminsley

Tana is an executive and entrepreneur with a passion for building businesses and developing leaders. As the founder of Authentic Leadership Global, Inc. she supports authenticity and emotional intelligence as business differentiators for 21st century leaders. Tana is also the author of the recently published book “Awaken your Authentic Leadership – Lead with Inner Clarity and Purpose“

 

Happy Commitment Month!

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Three Tips to make October “Commitment Month”

I had an epiphany recently as three thoughts about commitment collided in my brain:

  1. It’s the beginning of the fourth quarter, Q4. The last run-up before the new year, the final stretch towards achieving any annual goal you might have set for yourself or your business waaaaay back in January.
  2. I am an Enneagram 7. The “Optimist”. I’ve known this for a while, and have worked to “overcome” the limitations of my “seven-ness”.  I recently awakened to the pathway of “commitment” as key to the 7’s journey to wholeness and TRUE freedom, which is what a 7 really wants (thanks to Ben Saltzman’s hilarious video on the 9 Enneagram types, and his own story of the joy and pain of being a 7 himself).
  3. It is one year since I made two very important and life-changing commitments.  It is time to re-commit to both of these life-long commitments. In October 2013, I committed to my health and fitness – and to “finally” losing the extra weight, for good. Which I did. Later that month, after 10 years together, my life partner Dave and I committed to getting married (something I never thought I would do). Which we did.

The epiphany:

My eyes flew open as I awoke to this thought: I already know how to “do” commitment. How I successfully lost those 20 or so pounds in a short period, and keep them off while building strength and fitness proved it to me.

I realized at that moment that I had inadvertently created a perfect three-part commitment structure that worked for me – even as a 7 who resists structure – and one that I can immediately start using in my business, starting with Q4.

This three-part commitment structure begins with a declaration.

1. The Declaration: Making the Commitment.

You see, when I committed to my health & fitness last October, it really began with a declaration. A spontaneous declaration to my mastermind sisters that erupted out of deep dissatisfaction with where I was physically (and because I had “nothing else” ready to discuss when my turn came around).

My declaration was this: “I’ve had it. I never want to be here again.” 

I had been in the best shape of my life in my early 40s, at my ideal weight. Then I broke my foot. I slacked off and over the next 5 years slowly put on 20 pounds (or more, who knows? I stopped weighing myself 😐 ).

I did NOT want to enter my 50s in that place.

Wooaaah. 

That felt huge – hugely important. I could really feel that I took a major stand that day. I actually was standing when I said it, as I tend to do when I’m speaking on the phone in my office. That declaration was rooted in my body.

I had also tapped into my Big Why. Why this commitment was – and is – important to me. (see Simon Sinek’s Ted talk)

Lesson #1: Declare your commitment powerfully! Plant your stake in the ground. Take a power pose and state your commitment out loud!Woman in superhero costume standing proudly

2. Support Structures: Keeping the Commitment

Here’s where it got spooky. The very next day (I am not kidding), a book I’d requested months before, arrived for me at my local library: The Fast Metabolism Diet by Haylie Pomroy.

Yeah, it was TIME. And the timing couldn’t have been better for that book to arrive. Because it gave me structure – a system. And the best kind of structure & system for me, as a 7 (who notoriously resist structure as “too confining”, “too limiting”).

• Time-limited: the FMD is a 28-day program is based on a 2-2-3 four-week structure. Two days high carb, moderate protein, no fat; two days high protein, moderate carb, no fat; three days moderate everything (hello weekend!).
• Proven: Pomroy’s science background appealed to my values for education, rigour and proven results with clients. The FMD really delivered. It worked for me!
• Tracking: The FMD and its results really kicked in for me when I discovered The FMD App. The FMD App gave me the daily structure – like a food journal only better, it reminded me what was on the agenda for each day and what foods to choose from. The App made it easy to track my daily food and water intake, as well as exercise, and my overall progress towards my goal.
• Community: Having a community of support and/or an accountability partner is a HUGE part of keeping a commitment. I made good use of the FMD online community forum, where members share their adaptations of recipes for specific needs (e.g. gluten-free, vegan/vegetarian, etc.).
• Challenging: The FMD worked for me because it challenged me too (and most 7s will love a good challenge!).

Let me be clear: the FMD is no fly-by-night “eat as much bacon as you like” program, or eat only pineapple on Thursdays. It is a ton of work. A lot of advance preparation (or you’ll find yourself feeling kinda snarky with hunger, without the right things ready on the right day, and want to devour everything in sight). The FMD is no easy fix program – but a conscious investment of energy, focus, intention and time. It’s not for everyone.

Lesson #2:: Keeping Commitments Needs Structural Supports. 
What resources do you need to support your commitment? Support your capacity to meet that commitment?
Oh my, yes. We need that support!

3. Re-Committing, Over and Over: Sustaining the Commitment 

Naturally, I couldn’t rest on my laurels after completing the FMD and achieving my weight-loss goal, or any day after that. Sustaining my results required ongoing attention. Tapping back into my declaration, my Big Why, keeping track of where I am today – and every day. Not obsessively mind you. Just noticing and being aware of where I might slip into old patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that don’t support my commitment. And returning to those that do.

Those same structures, systems, and support that helped me get where I wanted to be over those 28 days continue to help me to re-commit, as do a few new ones.

The FMD App helped me re-commit to my goal and progress every single day while I was on the 28-day program – even several times a day as I reviewed it for meal preparation, and completed my meal entries.

Now, the entire program plus the Fast Metabolism Diet App keep me on track whenever I need to return to its principles – hello holiday indulgences! If you just celebrated Thanksgiving with family and friends, and the abundance of turkey, pie and other delectables, wine…well, you know what I’m talking about!

Coming back to my commitment, over and over again, and to the system and supports that I have in place, helps me get back on track when I need some help to reinforce all those good patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that support my commitment.

Which is why I am here, one year later – re-committing to my Declaration and my Big Why. Even adjusting it to reflect what matters more to me now: that I am building strength to last for a lifetime of fun, physical activity that fits my overall LifeStyle Vision. (More on this and other “towards”planning and goals in later posts.)

Lesson #3: Commitment needs reinforcement. Tending. Nurturing. Even poking and prodding: Are you still committed to this? Is this still what you want? Is it still aligned with your values? Your Big Why? Your purpose? What has changed?

The Results?

See for yourself.

Kyer Wiltshire Dave Carrie-24

Your challenge:

Where can you implement this in your life? In your business?
What is one thing you can commit to, for just 28 days, that will shift your thoughts, your beliefs, or your actions?
What is your declaration? Your Big Why?
Notice what resources show up to support you when you make a powerful declaration.

Post your commitment below – let us bear witness to your declaration! 

What Do You Really Want?

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Originally published November 2008; edited 2014

Negotiation Tip:  Clarify What You Really Want

I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!

There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.

Your Language Influences You

Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation.  Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone.  As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.

My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.

I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…”  The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”

In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence.  More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete.  Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”

We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.

Does this matter?  I think it does.

The Impact of Clarity is Exponential

One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear.  Really clear on what you want.

The impact of clarity is exponential.  The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and  how it will affect the other person involved.

As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what I would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”.  As in, “what I would really like is X, if  Y happens“.  For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).”

See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.

“I want” simply is.  The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how,  your want is fulfilled.  And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!

Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want.  And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.

There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}.  It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.

Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want.  It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly.  This creates confidence that you can hold your own.

Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.

What do I really WANT?

Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:

“What I really want is…”

Remember…

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