Tag Archives: influence

Silence is the Golden Ticket

Q: Any recommendations on how best to use “silence” in negotiations?

A: ZIP IT!!

Silence in negotiation is a powerful tool when you use it purposefully.

This Week’s Question comes from a participant in the Negotiate Naturally: Tips for Women Entrepreneurs webinar I led earlier this week for the Women’s Enterprise Center.

Human nature wants to fill a silence, especially in our largely extroverted western culture. In conversation, silence feels uncomfortable to many. Even in nature, many find silence unfamiliar and uncomfortable and feel compelled to play music. We are used to noise, the sound of ours and others’ voices.

However, “silence is golden” is still true. Rare, valuable and powerful. Especially when used strategically in negotiation.

Recognize your own impulse to rush in to fill a silence, as well as how it can be helpful to you when others fill your silence.

The key with using any behaviour, tactic, or strategy is to match it to your goal or objective (which you have prepared, right? ;0)

How to use silence in negotiation to reach your goal:

  1. Show your disagreement. Silence can indicate your displeasure with an offer, or that you are thinking about it. Pause. Don’t say anything for a bit. The other person may fill that silence with a justification, explanation, or even another better offer, as they may have assumed your silence indicates displeasure or disagreement. However, beware of your own tendency to do the same!
  2. Show your strength. Once you have stated what you want, just STOP. Stay silent to let your offer or ask sink in. Don’t rush in and fill up the silence with justifications, explanations or attempts to convince. Just ZIP IT. Pause. Wait. Let them come back with their answer.

When you fill the silence after you ask, you risk doing two things.

First, you take up space they may need to process your ask, to think about it. You may have surprised them and they need a moment to craft their response. If you fill the silence, you may deny them an opportunity to come to your side on their own.

Second, you inadvertently dilute your ask. What if it’s good enough on its own? By rushing in and filling the silence, you could signal that you don’t believe in it yourself! That you are justifying your ask out loud because you don’t really believe you deserve it or trust that it is possible for them to give.

Prime yourself to stand for your ask with confidence. Ask for it. then just stop.

Zip it.

Try it out.

Let us know in the comments how silence has worked for you!

The Art of Wooing the Sale

Book Review: The Art of Woo

Note: A version of this article appeared in the June 2010 Edition of Make It Business: Inspiring Small Businesses to Think Big

Everyone sells.

Whether you like it or hate it; are good at or, well, suck at it.  We are all salespeople, of one kind or another.

Whether you are a small business owner negotiating with Wal-Mart, a lawyer looking for new clients, or planning your summer vacation with your spouse, you are always selling. Selling widgets, selling your business plan to financers, or selling your vacation hot-spot to your spouse – it all starts with your idea that you want them to buy, or buy into.

What if you add a little romance?  What if you WOO them?

The Art of Woo

That’s exactly what G. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa propose in The Art of Woo:  Using Strategic Persuasion to Sell Your Ideas. “WOO” stands for “Winning Others Over” – an acronym adopted from Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton in their seminal work: Now Discover Your Strengths (since updated to StrengthsFinder 2.0.).

The Art of Woo starts with YOU. As with anything important successful persuasion, influence or negotiation depends a great deal on your preparation.  The early chapters are worth delving into, as they build the foundation for your preparation by assessing your persuasion style and the context.

The Art of Woo shows you how to:

  • Build a bridge to THEM, and their beliefs, language, and style
  • Connect your ideas to their goals
  • Pitch your proposal, and
  • Secure their commitment.

If you are looking to master the art of selling your ideas, study each chapter in depth, as each one is worthy of its own book. The first chapter Includes a quick and easy four-step guide. You will find “Ten Questions for Would-Be Wooers” in the Appendix.

Neither a light read nor a quick-fix solution, The Art of Woo is still an accessible read. Broadly applicable and rich with plenty of real-life examples – from Nelson Mandela to Sam Wharton – The Art of Woo is like a self-study version of a five-day workshop. Indeed, Shell and Moussa are Directors of the Wharton School’s Strategic Persuasion Workshop. Costing a fraction of their workshop, The Art of Woo is one of the most valuable business books out there.

My only beef with The Art of Woo is its matryoshka-like structure: nesting so many steps and processes within each other detracts from the elegant simplicity of the core four steps, and potentially confuses the reader. A trifling quibble in the end, as this book fully maps out relationship-based persuasion from start to finish.

Your Intentions Matter

Finally, The Art of Woo finishes right back with YOU – your character and integrity. Ending with a compelling real-life WorldCom-type tale of why it matters less whether you master the Art of Woo than what your intentions are when you Woo, the authors leave readers with a simple litmus test that reveals what kind of “idea salesperson” they are.

As in Shell’s previous book, Bargaining for Advantage: Negotiation Strategies for Reasonable People, character and ethics influence the bottom line.

And that won me over.


Like to read more? Check out other book recommendations in the Resources tab.

 

Scott McGillivray’s 6 Keys to Negotiation

Knowledge Empowers You™.

Scott McGillivray used this trademarked K.E.Y. phrase in his short presentation on real estate investing. The popular host of HGTV’s Income Property and the new Buyer’s Bootcamp shared his wisdom and experience in the art of negotiation and real estate investing with flashes of his megawatt smile.

Scott sprinkled his presentation with some behavioural economics (think Robert Cialdini’s laws of influence) and positive psychology, with a quote from Shawn Achor at the end:

“The more you believe in your own ability to succeed, the more likely it is that you will.”

 

Scott shared a few key nuggets on the art of negotiating a great deal, which was number two in his list of ten things for real estate investors, right after education in the number one spot.

Highlights from Scott’s short tutorial on the art of negotiation:

  • Focus on fundamentals over emotion. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement. Do your research.
  • Be savvy. Real Estate agents are savvy; buyers need to be savvy too.
  • Older is wiser. Bidding wars happen on properties that are recently listed. Look for properties that have been on the market for a while. Older listings don’t get as many views, and often mean the buyer initially listed over-value, then discounted. And many buyers are put off by discounted listings because they perceive there must have been something wrong. This creates an opportunity to…
  • Solve a problem for the seller. Sellers are motivated for many reasons outside of the sale price of their home. Maybe they need a short closing date. If you’re in a position to meet that need, you can probably exchange that for a reduction in the sale price. That worked for me in my first home purchase when I learned the seller had a 30 day close on their next home and wanted to avoid bridge financing. This knowledge and my counter offer netted me an 18% reduction in the sale price.
  • Be good at putting in offers and put in different types of offers.
  • Be firm on your price and be willing to walk away. (You’ve heard me say this one before.) Nine out of ten offers that Scott makes are rejected by the seller. And yet…he has a multi-million dollar portfolio of real estate investments.

What I liked most about seeing Scott’s presentation was his showing up consistently (one of Cialdini’s laws of influence). He shows up in person as the same person he shows up on his reality TV shows. I like how he treats people. After the show, I had a chance to speak with a few of his team, and they echoed my assessment – he’s the same guy to work with.

I recalled from an early episode on Income Property when Scott emphasized that treating your tenants well is good business. Give them a nice place to live and treat them well, and they will treat your property well. Yes!

When I was buying my first home in Toronto I wanted an income suite to support my single-income mortgage. My standard for the second suite was that it had to be something I would live in myself. It bugged me to see other income property owners with suites that were dirty, uncared for and substandard. How would you feel living there?

Scott shared a poignant story about a long term tenant who recently moved out. Scott’s practice in welcoming new tenants is to leave them a welcome card and a bottle of wine. This tenant left his apartment after nine years, with a card and a bottle of wine for Scott. The law of reciprocity in action!

A reminder again of my first house in Toronto. After viewing 30 homes before finding the right one, my realtor gifted me with a lovely bowl she saw me admire in a local café we frequented to compare notes after a viewing, PLUS a cheque for $300 to help fund my renovations to install a separate suite in the single family home. Now that’s class! I remembered that gesture, recommended her often, and I still use that bowl.

Scott obviously lives by what he teaches, and his passion for helping others do the same was evident in his message:

Knowledge without action is just data. Implementation is key to succeed. 

 

What can you implement from these lessons in your own negotiations?

If you’re looking to build your negotiation and influencing muscles, check out the E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Leaders Lab online program.

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Jody Wilson-Raybould

On Luck, Justice and Firsts. #YouAreEmpowering

Sometimes amazing opportunities drop in your lap. You might even call it luck. And other times, amazing opportunities come your way because you’ve worked hard your whole life, powered by a vision and passion and sought out the best people to work with and the best environment to realize your vision and passion.

The first happened to me serendipitously this Saturday. I showed up at 10 am for the CoRe Writers’ Group at the UBC Alumni Centre, where we planned to find a quiet spot to write for two hours. Those plans were immediately jettisoned when we learned about a gathering upstairs, to hear the Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada, Jody Wilson-Raybould, share her plans and priorities with Allard Law.

What luck!

Indeed, what luck to hear her speak, openly, powerfully and inspiring. What luck to catch a brief moment of her time after her private reception with a group of students. What luck for her to step into Canada’s most important lawyer!

Scratch that last one. That one is not due to luck.

This is that “other time” when amazing opportunities come your way. The Honourable Minister of Justice and Attorney General Wilson-Raybould is where she is today due to her own hard work, and hard choices, seizing an opportunity to run when her vision and passion was tested (in a watershed conversation with Stephen Harper). And to the hard line of PM Trudeau that his cabinet would be the first gender-balanced cabinet in Canadian history.

Wilson-Raybould is in the land of Firsts.

First and foremost, she is a First Nations leader and formerly the British Columbia regional chief of the Assembly of First Nations (AFN). “Puglaas” is Wilson-Raybould’s We Wai Kai name, which means “woman born to noble people.” It is also her twitter handle.

She is THE First-ever indigenous Justice Minister and Attorney General of Canada. That means she is also THE First indigenous woman to hold the office of Canada’s top prosecutor.

She is one of only two indigenous cabinet members, another First for Canada. (Inuk MP Hunter Tootoo, a former speaker of Nunavut’s legislative assembly, is Minster of Fisheries and Oceans and the Canadian Coastguard.)

One of 15 women cabinet ministers, a First ever gender-balanced federal cabinet.

Member of the First group of cabinet ministers tasked with transparent accountability to Canadians. 

As we celebrate International Women’s Day 2016, and the Pledge for Parity, it is so important to recognize those Firsts. The ones who make it possible for others.  Who lift others as they climb. Who look different, so others see themselves represented, and still others experience the value in diversity.

Among the many things that make Jody Wilson-Rabould different from her predecessors is her message of reconciliation.

Reconciliation for indigenous peoples in Canada, the disproportionately high rates of incarceration for indigenous women (41% of female inmates) and men (25% of male inmates), as well as for the families of the murdered and missing First Nations women.

And reconciliation within the processes of the court system, especially the criminal justice system. Her message on Saturday at UBC was the strongest I’ve heard on the potential for a clear role for Restorative Justice.

Wilson-Raybould’s track record with consensus-building gives hope for her success here, as well as within parliament as a whole working toward consensus instead of pugnacious partisanship. And seeking consensus driven approaches with other federal cabinet ministers to find the “best” answer on issues such as assisted dying.

“We like to believe every voice counts; not just the voices of fear.”

Listening to Wilson-Raybould, I was overwhelmed with hope. Hope for reconciliation. Hope for civility. Hope for integrity.

I also felt proud. Proud to be a lawyer. Proud to witness what to me is the best in being a lawyer – shaping the way peoples are in community. With each other.

She’s definitely a First in my books.

 This is my Canada on IWD2016. #YouAreEmpowering

What Do You Really Want?

Originally published November 2008; edited 2014

Negotiation Tip:  Clarify What You Really Want

I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!

There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.

Your Language Influences You

Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation.  Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone.  As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.

My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.

I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…”  The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”

In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence.  More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete.  Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”

We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.

Does this matter?  I think it does.

The Impact of Clarity is Exponential

One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear.  Really clear on what you want.

The impact of clarity is exponential.  The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and  how it will affect the other person involved.

As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”.  As in, “what I would really like is X, if  Y happens“.  For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).

See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.

“I want” simply is.  The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how,  your want is fulfilled.  And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!

Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want.  And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.

There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}.  It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.

Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want.  It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly.  This creates confidence that you can hold your own.

Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.

What do I really WANT?

Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:

“What I really want is…”

Remember

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Is Your Circle of Influence Lifting You Up, or Wearing You Down?

If Jim Rohn is right, that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, then this Circle of 5 is your core Circle of Influence, by default or design.

Circle of 5-iStockThese five people most likely influence your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours – and ultimately your success, professionally, financially, personally.

Big Question: Are you okay with that?

Is your Circle of 5 by default or design?

Do they lift you up, where you can soar in all your magnificence?

Do they celebrate your successes and encourage you, stand by you, as you reach your dreams and goals?

Then: YAHOO!!!  Go celebrate with them!

Or do they bring you down? Do they gossip or speak negatively about others?

Does being around them keep you playing small, where you don’t threaten them? Keep you “safe” by discouraging your taking any risks or new challenges?

Or perhaps “they” aren’t doing anything but being themselves, yet YOU play smaller, dim your light, stifle your magnificence because YOU don’t want to risk them being uncomfortable?

Here’s the thing.

Tall Poppy SunIf you want to “change the world”, create a positive impact, make a difference,  your influence and impact will be richer, stronger and more empowered if you are being influenced by supporters, rather than diminishers.

Even a “Tall Poppy” thrives when it’s surrounded by other tall poppies.

Leonie Dawson’s recent post Are Your Friends Setting You Up to Shine or Stumble? is poignant in her relating of her own journey as a creative business owner, mom of two young girls, making it up as she goes along and the challenges growing her business through multiple six figures. She had to make some hard choices to let go in order to grow – both personally and professionally, as she continues to influence other creative entrepreneurs to build successful business, so they can also serve and influence others.

Good leaders know the best way for them to succeed is to hire people who are smarter at what they do.  As Leonie says:

“If you don’t know people who are smarter, more successful, happier, creating bigger things or thinking bigger than you… you are in the wrong room.”

Take an inventory of your Circle of 5 – if you want to elevate its membership, consider who you want to spend more time with. Join a Mastermind group to expand your business or professional goals.

Who do you want in YOUR Success Circle?

Success Circle

A number of years ago, when I first awakened to this process, I looked at my circle of influence – and I wasn’t completely happy. There was Negative Nelly, who seemed to only see the world through “poor me” glasses, that no matter how I tried to “help her” change, was not in a place yet to change those glasses to at least half-full of possibilities (yes, I am mixing metaphors – and trust you get the picture :)), instead of all doom and gloom.

So, I bumped a couple of people from my Circle of Influence list – by distancing myself from their influence, or reducing the amount of time spent with them as well as the weight I placed on their words and opinions.
Deciding to spend less time with some people or investing less weight in their views and opinions opens up the door to choice – to purposefully invite into your world those who inspire you, motivate you, who genuinely want you to succeed, to thrive and be fulfilled, even happy.

 

Over the years,  I have added a few more people whose influence I believed would have a positive impact on me and my life (and they have!).  Now I use my Circle of 5 list as a guide for how I allocate my time, especially when things get busy.

In this way, the person I am really influencing most is ME!

Get What You Want

Go ahead. Reach for more!