Tag Archives: Confidence

Silence is the Golden Ticket

Q: Any recommendations on how best to use “silence” in negotiations?

A: ZIP IT!!

Silence in negotiation is a powerful tool when you use it purposefully.

This Week’s Question comes from a participant in the Negotiate Naturally: Tips for Women Entrepreneurs webinar I led earlier this week for the Women’s Enterprise Center.

Human nature wants to fill a silence, especially in our largely extroverted western culture. In conversation, silence feels uncomfortable to many. Even in nature, many find silence unfamiliar and uncomfortable and feel compelled to play music. We are used to noise, the sound of ours and others’ voices.

However, “silence is golden” is still true. Rare, valuable and powerful. Especially when used strategically in negotiation.

Recognize your own impulse to rush in to fill a silence, as well as how it can be helpful to you when others fill your silence.

The key with using any behaviour, tactic, or strategy is to match it to your goal or objective (which you have prepared, right? ;0)

How to use silence in negotiation to reach your goal:

  1. Show your disagreement. Silence can indicate your displeasure with an offer, or that you are thinking about it. Pause. Don’t say anything for a bit. The other person may fill that silence with a justification, explanation, or even another better offer, as they may have assumed your silence indicates displeasure or disagreement. However, beware of your own tendency to do the same!
  2. Show your strength. Once you have stated what you want, just STOP. Stay silent to let your offer or ask sink in. Don’t rush in and fill up the silence with justifications, explanations or attempts to convince. Just ZIP IT. Pause. Wait. Let them come back with their answer.

When you fill the silence after you ask, you risk doing two things.

First, you take up space they may need to process your ask, to think about it. You may have surprised them and they need a moment to craft their response. If you fill the silence, you may deny them an opportunity to come to your side on their own.

Second, you inadvertently dilute your ask. What if it’s good enough on its own? By rushing in and filling the silence, you could signal that you don’t believe in it yourself! That you are justifying your ask out loud because you don’t really believe you deserve it or trust that it is possible for them to give.

Prime yourself to stand for your ask with confidence. Ask for it. then just stop.

Zip it.

Try it out.

Let us know in the comments how silence has worked for you!

7 Signs You Could Be Under-Earning

 

Are you Under-Earning?

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You might be under earning – earning less than your worth – even if you make over six figures!

How do you know if you are?  There are several signs of under-earning, some common and some not so common.

Barbara Stanny defines an Under-Earner as “someone who makes less than she needs or desires despite efforts to do otherwise.”

Red Alert! Before you read further, I want you to stop. Even if you already recognize yourself here, be kind to yourself. Do not label yourself as an “under-earner”. Focus instead on the signs of under-earning behaviours. Because you can shift and even swap them out for more self-affirming behaviours that will move you closer to earning your true worth.

I collected quite a list of signs of under-earning behaviour from what I hear from my clients, in my speaking engagements and through informal surveys – and I’m going to share the Top Signs of Under-Earning with you over the next few weeks. I’m also going to share some tips that will empower you to overcome these signs of under-earning.

Empowerment begins with Awareness. Awareness of both your strengths and blind spots – where you may not be experiencing the results you could.

Let’s begin raising that awareness today.

Notice which of these signs show up in your life. You might be surprised!

7 Signs You Could Be Under-Earning:

Checkmark greenYou KNOW you are worth more than you are being paid. You’re just not sure how to prove that. You find it difficult to articulate what your worth is exactly, and are baffled how others seem to do it.

Checkmark greenYour strengths, talents or genius are your “best kept secret”. You often hear others say, “I didn’t know you could do that!” or, “I didn’t know you were an expert in that!”

Checkmark greenYou keep getting passed over for promotions or business opportunities. You see others getting ahead who are less qualified than you.

Checkmark greenYou are not working in your “Genius Zone” 80% of the time. Most of the time you do work that you could delegate or stop doing altogether. You could be leveraging your time doing what you are really good at, that comes easy for you, and has the biggest impact.

Checkmark greenYou sit on the outside ring at important meetings, gravitating to the social crowd rather than the influencer crowd. It’s easier to sit at the back and socialize with your peers, than to put yourself “out there”, sit in the hot seat at the Big Table. You shy away from standing out.

Checkmark greenYou stay in your “comfort zone” and don’t take any risks. You’ve been hurt or penalized before, and you don’t want to experience that again.

Each of these signs of under-earning is a symptom of the #1 Sign of Under-Earning on today’s list:

Checkmark greenYou are not Shining Your Light.

Rather than getting help (coaching, mentoring, training) to boost your capacity to handle difficult of situations that challenge you (having a difficult conversation, standing up for yourself, asking or negotiating for something), you hang back where it’s comfortable and stay small.

By being the Shrinking Violet rather than risking being cut down as a Tall Poppy, you are also shrinking from opportunities for others to SEE you, to see what you are capable of, to see your Genius.

If you are waiting for them to notice you…well if you are playing small, how can they? Find a way to let them know what you are up to.

If you think this is bragging, and you don’t want to “brag”, then re-think. Re-frame it as “sharing”. You’re already good at sharing right? Share what you are doing, what you are capable of, what you have achieved. HELP them to notice YOU.

Shining your light is not about being alone in the spotlight (although that’s okay too!). It’s about allowing your true self, your authentic self, your one wild and precious* self to shine. It’s about not dimming your own light.

Isn’t it time?

It is.

It’s time to stop under-earning. To start doing something that you CAN do right now.

What is one step you could take this week that would shine your light, just a little bit more?

Share your plans in the comments box below.

If you resonate with one or more of these signs of under-earning or struggle with negotiating for your worth, I’m offering one of my E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Breakthrough Session right now, on a first come, first served basis. With Gender Pay Day approaching in April, I’d like to help some people who know they’re in this situation and are up for shining their light, asking for or negotiating their true worth.

If you want one of these sessions, shoot me an email and let me know what you’re struggling with. Tell me a little bit about your situation, why you should get one of these sessions and we’ll book it.

 

*Acknowledgement to the delightful Mary Oliver and her poem Summer: “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?”

Happy Commitment Month!

Three Tips to make October “Commitment Month”

I had an epiphany recently as three thoughts about commitment collided in my brain:

  1. It’s the beginning of the fourth quarter, Q4. The last run-up before the new year, the final stretch towards achieving any annual goal you might have set for yourself or your business waaaaay back in January.
  2. I am an Enneagram 7. The “Optimist”. I’ve known this for a while, and have worked to “overcome” the limitations of my “seven-ness”.  I recently awakened to the pathway of “commitment” as key to the 7’s journey to wholeness and TRUE freedom, which is what a 7 really wants (thanks to Ben Saltzman’s hilarious video on the 9 Enneagram types, and his own story of the joy and pain of being a 7 himself).
  3. It is one year since I made two very important and life-changing commitments.  It is time to re-commit to both of these life-long commitments. In October 2013, I committed to my health and fitness – and to “finally” losing the extra weight, for good. Which I did. Later that month, after 10 years together, my life partner Dave and I committed to getting married (something I never thought I would do). Which we did.

The epiphany:

My eyes flew open as I awoke to this thought: I already know how to “do” commitment. How I successfully lost those 20 or so pounds in a short period, and keep them off while building strength and fitness proved it to me.

I realized at that moment that I had inadvertently created a perfect three-part commitment structure that worked for me – even as a 7 who resists structure – and one that I can immediately start using in my business, starting with Q4.

This three-part commitment structure begins with a declaration.

1. The Declaration: Making the Commitment.

You see, when I committed to my health & fitness last October, it really began with a declaration. A spontaneous declaration to my mastermind sisters that erupted out of deep dissatisfaction with where I was physically (and because I had “nothing else” ready to discuss when my turn came around).

My declaration was this: “I’ve had it. I never want to be here again.” 

I had been in the best shape of my life in my early 40s, at my ideal weight. Then I broke my foot. I slacked off and over the next 5 years slowly put on 20 pounds (or more, who knows? I stopped weighing myself 😐 ).

I did NOT want to enter my 50s in that place.

Wooaaah. 

That felt huge – hugely important. I could really feel that I took a major stand that day. I actually was standing when I said it, as I tend to do when I’m speaking on the phone in my office. That declaration was rooted in my body.

I had also tapped into my Big Why. Why this commitment was – and is – important to me. (see Simon Sinek’s Ted talk)

Lesson #1: Declare your commitment powerfully! Plant your stake in the ground. Take a power pose and state your commitment out loud!Woman in superhero costume standing proudly

2. Support Structures: Keeping the Commitment

Here’s where it got spooky. The very next day (I am not kidding), a book I’d requested months before, arrived for me at my local library: The Fast Metabolism Diet by Haylie Pomroy.

Yeah, it was TIME. And the timing couldn’t have been better for that book to arrive. Because it gave me structure – a system. And the best kind of structure & system for me, as a 7 (who notoriously resist structure as “too confining”, “too limiting”).

• Time-limited: the FMD is a 28-day program is based on a 2-2-3 four-week structure. Two days high carb, moderate protein, no fat; two days high protein, moderate carb, no fat; three days moderate everything (hello weekend!).
• Proven: Pomroy’s science background appealed to my values for education, rigour and proven results with clients. The FMD really delivered. It worked for me!
• Tracking: The FMD and its results really kicked in for me when I discovered The FMD App. The FMD App gave me the daily structure – like a food journal only better, it reminded me what was on the agenda for each day and what foods to choose from. The App made it easy to track my daily food and water intake, as well as exercise, and my overall progress towards my goal.
• Community: Having a community of support and/or an accountability partner is a HUGE part of keeping a commitment. I made good use of the FMD online community forum, where members share their adaptations of recipes for specific needs (e.g. gluten-free, vegan/vegetarian, etc.).
• Challenging: The FMD worked for me because it challenged me too (and most 7s will love a good challenge!).

Let me be clear: the FMD is no fly-by-night “eat as much bacon as you like” program, or eat only pineapple on Thursdays. It is a ton of work. A lot of advance preparation (or you’ll find yourself feeling kinda snarky with hunger, without the right things ready on the right day, and want to devour everything in sight). The FMD is no easy fix program – but a conscious investment of energy, focus, intention and time. It’s not for everyone.

Lesson #2:: Keeping Commitments Needs Structural Supports. 
What resources do you need to support your commitment? Support your capacity to meet that commitment?
Oh my, yes. We need that support!

3. Re-Committing, Over and Over: Sustaining the Commitment 

Naturally, I couldn’t rest on my laurels after completing the FMD and achieving my weight-loss goal, or any day after that. Sustaining my results required ongoing attention. Tapping back into my declaration, my Big Why, keeping track of where I am today – and every day. Not obsessively mind you. Just noticing and being aware of where I might slip into old patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that don’t support my commitment. And returning to those that do.

Those same structures, systems, and support that helped me get where I wanted to be over those 28 days continue to help me to re-commit, as do a few new ones.

The FMD App helped me re-commit to my goal and progress every single day while I was on the 28-day program – even several times a day as I reviewed it for meal preparation, and completed my meal entries.

Now, the entire program plus the Fast Metabolism Diet App keep me on track whenever I need to return to its principles – hello holiday indulgences! If you just celebrated Thanksgiving with family and friends, and the abundance of turkey, pie and other delectables, wine…well, you know what I’m talking about!

Coming back to my commitment, over and over again, and to the system and supports that I have in place, helps me get back on track when I need some help to reinforce all those good patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that support my commitment.

Which is why I am here, one year later – re-committing to my Declaration and my Big Why. Even adjusting it to reflect what matters more to me now: that I am building strength to last for a lifetime of fun, physical activity that fits my overall LifeStyle Vision. (More on this and other “towards”planning and goals in later posts.)

Lesson #3: Commitment needs reinforcement. Tending. Nurturing. Even poking and prodding: Are you still committed to this? Is this still what you want? Is it still aligned with your values? Your Big Why? Your purpose? What has changed?

The Results?

See for yourself.

Kyer Wiltshire Dave Carrie-24

Your challenge:

Where can you implement this in your life? In your business?
What is one thing you can commit to, for just 28 days, that will shift your thoughts, your beliefs, or your actions?
What is your declaration? Your Big Why?
Notice what resources show up to support you when you make a powerful declaration.

Post your commitment below – let us bear witness to your declaration! 

What Do You Really Want?

Originally published November 2008; edited 2014

Negotiation Tip:  Clarify What You Really Want

I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!

There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.

Your Language Influences You

Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation.  Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone.  As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.

My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.

I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…”  The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”

In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence.  More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete.  Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”

We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.

Does this matter?  I think it does.

The Impact of Clarity is Exponential

One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear.  Really clear on what you want.

The impact of clarity is exponential.  The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and  how it will affect the other person involved.

As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”.  As in, “what I would really like is X, if  Y happens“.  For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).

See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.

“I want” simply is.  The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how,  your want is fulfilled.  And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!

Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want.  And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.

There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}.  It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.

Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want.  It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly.  This creates confidence that you can hold your own.

Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.

What do I really WANT?

Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:

“What I really want is…”

Remember

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Rich Thinking: Money, Work and Self-Worth

Originally published March 12, 2012

Money, Work and Self-Worth

Heart and money

The title of the Careers column in this Saturday’s Globe and Mail Careers caught my eye over brunch: Money, work and the value of self-worth: If you want financial independence, and recognition for your talents, keep talking about compensation“.

The author, Leah Eichler, acknowledged that, like many women, the topic of compensation makes her uncomfortable, especially when it relates to work she loves.

Eichler’s primary recommendation – one I fully endorse – is that we women need to talk about money, and often, so we do not dismiss its importance. Dismissing the importance of money – even, and perhaps most especially when it comes to work we love, or work that is important to our community – leads to so many other issues and difficulties in a woman’s life, than just her financial independence.

And ultimately they are related too; the core paradigm in the Money Breakthrough Method® is this: “How you do money, is how you do everything”.

Here are 3 Tips:

1.  Be Willing to Talk About Money

When you aren’t willing to discuss money – either in a conversation with your spouse, or a negotiation for salary or your fees – you are signaling a whole lot of information. To others, for sure. And more importantly, to yourself. How you feel and think about yourself can be greatly impacted by the weight of the things that you avoid, or tolerate in your life. Your self-worth is worth, well, a lot.

It never feels good to be underpaid – we know in our hearts this isn’t fair.” Barbara Stewart notes this in her 2011 global research study of 50 women called Rich Thinking: A Global study – A Guide to Building Financial Confidence in Girls and Women.

We know there are a lot of reasons for the continued gender pay gap in the workplace, and here in Canada we have experienced over 20 years of pay equity laws in most provinces (my current home province of British Columbia being a glaring exception) designed to remedy a good portion of that gap. I know these impacted and changed the financial situation of a lot of women and their families – I witnessed it first hand during my ten years as a mediator and chief legal counsel with the Ontario Pay Equity Commission.

And yet, I’ve come to understand how deep the gap goes and that real change must happen in women’s inner lives, as much as outer change in society at large. How you value yourself, and the work you do – even when it’s work you love – impacts how you stand up for your worth, and how you ask others to recognize it too. And talking about money in that regard is one important way you can stand up for your worth.

2.  Aim For 1% Increase

No – I don’t mean aim for a 1% increase in your negotiations. (I know you can do better!)

Apply the 1% Increase Rule here: aim for 1% more courage, tenacity and perseverance with each opportunity to have a conversation about money. Sooner than you think, you will realise you have mastered your discomfort, fear and avoidance of money conversations. Hey, the compound effect works here too.

I believe having money conversations is so important, I included an entire module in the Clear Your Money Clutter program that is devoted to how to have a difficult conversation around money.

3.  Value What You Do, and More Money Will Follow

It’s a very old paradigm that suggested that we shouldn’t get paid a lot for doing what we love; it simply doesn’t fit with our modern western society – where women are increasingly the main breadwinner in their families and two income couples are the norm.

The opposite notion can be equally misleading – that of “Do what you love, and the money will follow”. Do what you love, by all means. And value what you do. Your self-worth will thank you.

Discover how what you do is valuable to others. And find out how that value translates into a monetary value.

And then talk about it.

Learn how to ask for more, how to negotiate, how to charge what you are worth. You know in your heart it will feel good.

So please. Talk about money. Don’t be shy.

 

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