The Legend of The Tall Poppy

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Have you heard about The Tall Poppy?

She grew from a small poppy, just like all the other poppies in the field. Just like them, she was colourful, graceful, delicate even – yet strong as she gently bent with the breeze. As she grew tall, she kept reaching up to the brilliant sun. Even on cloudy days, she kept reaching up. She knew she was meant to be tall, to reach higher.

Soon she found herself growing a little bit taller than the other poppies.  She didn’t mind, she was only reaching for the sun, after all. The sun that shined on her brilliant colours, basked her in its warmth and radiated her joy in Being a Poppy.

After a time The Tall Poppy stood out.

The other poppies were similar in height, small compared to The Tall Poppy. They noticed how much taller she was, and saw her as different. Who did she think she was? Didn’t she know about the mean birds? Didn’t she know they would swoop down and cut her head off? 

And so they told her. Don’t get too big for your britches!! She thought: What the heck are “britches“?

After another time, The Tall Poppy saw what happened to the other Tall Poppy – way out there in the next field, tormented by mean birds – and began to duck her pretty head, to shrink her size as much as she could. If I don’t stand out so much, maybe I’ll be safe!

Still she stood out from the other poppies, who worried The Tall Poppy would attract the attention of the mean birds to their field and attack them. And so they began to shy away from her, create distance.

The Tall Poppy began to feel isolated, alone.

The more the others leaned away from The Tall Poppy, the more she stood out – vulnerable to the ravages of the wind, the rain and the mean birds.

She didn’t want to be a Fall Poppy™ – you know, the one that takes the fatal hit? While others tsk, see that’s what happens when you get too big for your britches.

She tried to shrink even more, to hide her brilliant colours, to retreat from her beloved Sun. In fact, the more she tried to shrink herself, the more she forgot about the Sun, about how it gave her joy and illuminated her brilliance.

*Now lest you think this is a tragic tale – wait for it – the Turning Point is coming! And just like every Legend, the bounds of credulity will be stretched a teeny bit…*

Then one day, (*classic turning point* 😉 ) The Tall Poppy thought to herself: I just want to be ME! This isn’t who I am, who I am meant to be. I’m just Tall. That’s all.

And so, she began to reach back up into her full tall poppy-ness, to let her brilliant colours shine out and to bask in the joy of her beloved Sun again. Oh I have missed this! I never want to shrink away from my own glory again!

As The Tall Poppy revealed herself again, she found she grew even taller, even more brilliant, even more glorious!

But – still she was alone. The other poppies didn’t know what to make of her, what to think of her or say about her. Some were unkind. Perhaps they wished they could be as brave? Perhaps shine their own colours a wee bit more, as they reached for the Sun in their own way, in their own time?

Her sadness at being alone – toughing it out when the winds blew, dodging the mean birds when they flew – dimmed her light from time to time.

Then one day, (*classic turning point #2* :)) The Tall Poppy looked across at the other fields, noticing the other Tall Poppies standing alone in their fields. Each was surviving out there, alone.

She caught the eye of one of the Tall Poppies, who inclined her petals in acknowledgement – Yes, we do rather stand out, don’t we? (*I did tell you the bounds of credulity would be stretched a teeny bit…right?* 😉 )

Shall we stand out together? Shall we tell each other stories about how wonderful it is to reach for the Sun?

As The Tall Poppies found strength and solace in each other, knowing there where other tall poppies out in the other fields, they began to notice something they hadn’t expected. Some of the other poppies around them were standing taller, unfurling more, shining more of their brilliance up toward the Sun! They had been tall poppies too, pretending to be shrinking violets. Even the small poppies began to shine their own colours a bit brighter too.

The Tall Poppy began to notice something else too. The more tall poppies she hung out with, whether in their own field or across at other fields, the more The Tall Poppy thrived.

Think about it.

The End.

Tall Poppy

*If you liked this story, and would like to hear more about The Tall Poppy, and especially if you’re a Tall Poppy who wants to thrive with other Tall Poppies, sign up for early-bird notification of The Tall Poppy Revolution™!

Take a Holiday From Your Inner Critic

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Delighted to share this Guest Post from my friend and colleague, Tana Heminsley, over at Authentic Leadership Global.

This Holiday season, we invite you to step back from the sometimes frenetic pace of the visiting, the baking, the cooking, the shopping, and invite a little more ease and compassion into your space, into your inner world, into your relationship – with YourSELF.

One of the most insidious aspects of personality or ego that I’ve come across in my career as a coach, is the critical inner voice that hides deep within each of us. As distinct from our intuition, which is helpful in it’s guidance in our lives, Sarita Chawla, in this video shares how the inner critic can misguide us by keeping us small or holding us back.

It’s the inner voice that goes beyond constructive to be cruel and mean. It says “You’re not good enough”, “That was stupid”, “No one will like you” or “Work harder – you’re lazy”.

I think about the effects it’s having – on individuals, their families, their teams and organizations. And I imagine the possibility of a world where the mind naturally is kind in its orientation, rather than being naturally negatively oriented, as the author of Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hansen Ph.D., reminds us.

The inner critic, or the superego as described by A.H. Almaas in the workbook called “Working on the SuperEgo”, is a psychological construct – merely a thought.

It develops in our mind when we, as children, get a reaction where we feel shut down or shamed. It’s too painful for us to experience this reaction coming from others who love us, so we create a critical voice internally, “doing it” to ourselves first, which is less painful.

The Inner Critic feeds the individual and collective painbody and thus perpetuates negative energy in the world.  Eckhart Tolle talks about the unresolved, unhealed energy as the pain body in his blogpost in the Huffington Post (Eckhart Tolle, “Living in Presence with your emotional painbody”, Huffington Post, 10/6/2010.)

“There is such a thing as old emotional pain living inside you. It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a “painbody,” an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

What can you do about it?  How can you take a holiday from your Inner Critic?

It’s totally possible and worth the investment of your time.

I’ve been aware of and actively engaging with my Inner Critic for the past 10 years and here are a few things I’ve found that help:

  1. Cultivate resiliency – it will help to keep your inner critic at bay. On the days I have had a good sleep, eaten the right foods to build my energy rather than drain it, done a short meditation practice to quiet my mind, I notice I have much more perspective and can notice and more easily let go of the critical voice.
  2. Stop the cycle – as quickly as you become aware of the messages when they arise, become aware of what it’s saying, how it feels, and then see it for what it is. It’s just a thought – one you can choose in the moment to let go of.
  3. Self-manage to choose a different thought – Byron Katie’s groundbreaking work on the inner critic, focuses on reframing in the moment using 4 simple questions:
    • Is it true?
    • Can you absolutely know it’s true?
    • How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    • Who would you be without that thought?
  4. Find your own way to take a holiday from your inner critic – for some, it’s helpful to be compassionate with the voice, once they become aware of where it came from (well-meaning parents, teachers or others who influenced us). For others they need to scream at it inside their mind (and sometimes out loud if they are in a place where they can yell), for others it’s about laughing at it as they realize how it no longer fits with their quest to be their authentic or best self.
  5. Imagine what your life would be like without it – reflect on how much energy you spend on managing your inner critic currently. How different would your life be if you spent just 10% less time on it. What would you do (or not do) with that unleashed energy and time?
  6. Practice daily – talk to yourself like you talk to your best friend. It says it all. Be kinder to you and you’ll be kinder to others.

Imagine a world where we all let go of our inner critics more of the time – that’s the world I’m striving for.

Tana Heminsley

Tana is an executive and entrepreneur with a passion for building businesses and developing leaders. As the founder of Authentic Leadership Global, Inc. she supports authenticity and emotional intelligence as business differentiators for 21st century leaders. Tana is also the author of the recently published book “Awaken your Authentic Leadership – Lead with Inner Clarity and Purpose“

 

Happy Commitment Month!

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Three Tips to make October “Commitment Month”

I had an epiphany recently as three thoughts about commitment collided in my brain:

  1. It’s the beginning of the fourth quarter, Q4. The last run-up before the new year, the final stretch towards achieving any annual goal you might have set for yourself or your business waaaaay back in January.
  2. I am an Enneagram 7. The “Optimist”. I’ve known this for a while, and have worked to “overcome” the limitations of my “seven-ness”.  I recently awakened to the pathway of “commitment” as key to the 7’s journey to wholeness and TRUE freedom, which is what a 7 really wants (thanks to Ben Saltzman’s hilarious video on the 9 Enneagram types, and his own story of the joy and pain of being a 7 himself).
  3. It is one year since I made two very important and life-changing commitments.  It is time to re-commit to both of these life-long commitments. In October 2013, I committed to my health and fitness – and to “finally” losing the extra weight, for good. Which I did. Later that month, after 10 years together, my life partner Dave and I committed to getting married (something I never thought I would do). Which we did.

The epiphany:

My eyes flew open as I awoke to this thought: I already know how to “do” commitment. How I successfully lost those 20 or so pounds in a short period, and keep them off while building strength and fitness proved it to me.

I realized at that moment that I had inadvertently created a perfect three-part commitment structure that worked for me – even as a 7 who resists structure – and one that I can immediately start using in my business, starting with Q4.

This three-part commitment structure begins with a declaration.

1. The Declaration: Making the Commitment.

You see, when I committed to my health & fitness last October, it really began with a declaration. A spontaneous declaration to my mastermind sisters that erupted out of deep dissatisfaction with where I was physically (and because I had “nothing else” ready to discuss when my turn came around).

My declaration was this: “I’ve had it. I never want to be here again.” 

I had been in the best shape of my life in my early 40s, at my ideal weight. Then I broke my foot. I slacked off and over the next 5 years slowly put on 20 pounds (or more, who knows? I stopped weighing myself 😐 ).

I did NOT want to enter my 50s in that place.

Wooaaah. 

That felt huge – hugely important. I could really feel that I took a major stand that day. I actually was standing when I said it, as I tend to do when I’m speaking on the phone in my office. That declaration was rooted in my body.

I had also tapped into my Big Why. Why this commitment was – and is – important to me. (see Simon Sinek’s Ted talk)

Lesson #1: Declare your commitment powerfully! Plant your stake in the ground. Take a power pose and state your commitment out loud!Woman in superhero costume standing proudly

2. Support Structures: Keeping the Commitment

Here’s where it got spooky. The very next day (I am not kidding), a book I’d requested months before, arrived for me at my local library: The Fast Metabolism Diet by Haylie Pomroy.

Yeah, it was TIME. And the timing couldn’t have been better for that book to arrive. Because it gave me structure – a system. And the best kind of structure & system for me, as a 7 (who notoriously resist structure as “too confining”, “too limiting”).

• Time-limited: the FMD is a 28-day program is based on a 2-2-3 four-week structure. Two days high carb, moderate protein, no fat; two days high protein, moderate carb, no fat; three days moderate everything (hello weekend!).
• Proven: Pomroy’s science background appealed to my values for education, rigour and proven results with clients. The FMD really delivered. It worked for me!
• Tracking: The FMD and its results really kicked in for me when I discovered The FMD App. The FMD App gave me the daily structure – like a food journal only better, it reminded me what was on the agenda for each day and what foods to choose from. The App made it easy to track my daily food and water intake, as well as exercise, and my overall progress towards my goal.
• Community: Having a community of support and/or an accountability partner is a HUGE part of keeping a commitment. I made good use of the FMD online community forum, where members share their adaptations of recipes for specific needs (e.g. gluten-free, vegan/vegetarian, etc.).
• Challenging: The FMD worked for me because it challenged me too (and most 7s will love a good challenge!).

Let me be clear: the FMD is no fly-by-night “eat as much bacon as you like” program, or eat only pineapple on Thursdays. It is a ton of work. A lot of advance preparation (or you’ll find yourself feeling kinda snarky with hunger, without the right things ready on the right day, and want to devour everything in sight). The FMD is no easy fix program – but a conscious investment of energy, focus, intention and time. It’s not for everyone.

Lesson #2:: Keeping Commitments Needs Structural Supports. 
What resources do you need to support your commitment? Support your capacity to meet that commitment?
Oh my, yes. We need that support!

3. Re-Committing, Over and Over: Sustaining the Commitment 

Naturally, I couldn’t rest on my laurels after completing the FMD and achieving my weight-loss goal, or any day after that. Sustaining my results required ongoing attention. Tapping back into my declaration, my Big Why, keeping track of where I am today – and every day. Not obsessively mind you. Just noticing and being aware of where I might slip into old patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that don’t support my commitment. And returning to those that do.

Those same structures, systems, and support that helped me get where I wanted to be over those 28 days continue to help me to re-commit, as do a few new ones.

The FMD App helped me re-commit to my goal and progress every single day while I was on the 28-day program – even several times a day as I reviewed it for meal preparation, and completed my meal entries.

Now, the entire program plus the Fast Metabolism Diet App keep me on track whenever I need to return to its principles – hello holiday indulgences! If you just celebrated Thanksgiving with family and friends, and the abundance of turkey, pie and other delectables, wine…well, you know what I’m talking about!

Coming back to my commitment, over and over again, and to the system and supports that I have in place, helps me get back on track when I need some help to reinforce all those good patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that support my commitment.

Which is why I am here, one year later – re-committing to my Declaration and my Big Why. Even adjusting it to reflect what matters more to me now: that I am building strength to last for a lifetime of fun, physical activity that fits my overall LifeStyle Vision. (More on this and other “towards”planning and goals in later posts.)

Lesson #3: Commitment needs reinforcement. Tending. Nurturing. Even poking and prodding: Are you still committed to this? Is this still what you want? Is it still aligned with your values? Your Big Why? Your purpose? What has changed?

The Results?

See for yourself.

Kyer Wiltshire Dave Carrie-24

Your challenge:

Where can you implement this in your life? In your business?
What is one thing you can commit to, for just 28 days, that will shift your thoughts, your beliefs, or your actions?
What is your declaration? Your Big Why?
Notice what resources show up to support you when you make a powerful declaration.

Post your commitment below – let us bear witness to your declaration! 

Would I Lie to You?

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Are you being lied to in negotiation?

Would I Lie to You?**

Are You Being Lied to in Your Negotiations?

The latest shocking news for women in negotiation is making the rounds lately, in Huffington Post, Daily Mail, Business Week and even Shape Magazine: UC Berkley professor Laura Kray’s latest research results show that women are lied to in negotiation more often than men.

Kray and her team worked outward from first establishing that a cultural stereotype that women are more easily misled puts them at greater risk for being deceived by misleading information or flat-out lies during negotiations.

The newsmakers glommed onto the big shocker:

WOMEN are equally likely as men to lie to another woman in negotiation

Yes. Women are just as susceptible as men are to perceiving other women as easy to mislead or lacking in competence. Sigh. Cultural stereotypes do indeed persist. Since the opposing stereotype about men persists (as already competent, not easily misled), Kray’s research also showed that  both men and women are more likely to help the guy out by letting him in on a secret.

Really?

Frankly I’m not sure if I am more shocked by the results, or that this is actually news to anyone. I think women have known this intuitively all along — and it is one among many reasons why many women don’t like or are afraid to negotiate. We don’t like or want to be taken advantage of. We don’t like it when our trust is violated.

Aside from the stereotype perceptions, there’s an obvious elephant in the room – that ANY negotiator who perceives the other person as easily misled will succumb to that temptation and lie, mislead or deceive to gain a better outcome. The ethics of lying in negotiation is a much bigger topic, debated and written about elsewhere (and a future topic for this blog).

Here’s the big risk for those who do lie: the long-term costs. We will never forget. We might never forgive. We may never trust you again. And we just might tell two friends.

“Watch me walking, walking out the door.”**

Marketers have really gotten this about women in the last decade. It’s time for negotiators to get it too. Lies, deceptions and misleading claims have long-term consequences  (and are sometimes illegal)– especially in business.

Until that happens – until the lies stop being the easy way to short-term victory and rewards — what can you do? What can you do to protect yourself in your negotiations? How can you TRUST anyone?

The good news is there is a lot you CAN do.

1. Test Now, Trust Later.

“Now would I say something that wasn’t true?”**

Trust is a tricky thing. You want to be able to trust others – to trust that what they say to you is true, that they will do what they say they will do. And there’s the rub – what you really want is what trust represents: predictability, reliability, a sure thing. You want to know it is REAL. Not a chimera or a desert mirage taunting you with promises to slake your thirst.

Trust yourself first – trust that niggling feeling that nags at you (aka your intuition). Don’t give in to self-doubt.

Test out what they are telling you, so you can trust them. Ask for proof, or verification of some kind. Clarify what you’ve heard them say and ask for confirmation that you got it.

Link to a third point for reference. Like the third leg on a 3-legged stool, the third point provides strength enough to stand on. A third point could be an outside standard or even a third party. “Let’s find out what Jamie thinks about this.”

What if they challenge you with “Don’t you trust me?” Try the power of “Yes, And”:

“I DO want to trust you, AND I want to understand you better. Help me understand how you …(e.g. arrived at that amount)”

2. Do Your Homework, First.

Groan.

I heard that! And I’ll tell you a Secret: Forget diamonds, Homework is a Girl’s Best Friend.

You know it works: before every test in school, you did your homework. Right? You will be better able to test out a potential lie if you have prepared for your negotiation – or at minimum have prepared and practiced some stand-by phrases that you can use in any situation.

Get the facts, and find out what the general standards are. Most common example is a job or salary negotiation. Research broadly and narrowly — what are the standards in the industry? Find out what you can about the other party’s standards (as well as their closest competitor) – and remember to look at standards as they apply to both men AND women.

Develop your OWN standards: what are you willing to accept? Not accept? What is your Plan B? You do have one, right?

Doing your homework builds Trust and Confidence – in YOU! Trusting someone else is so much easier when you trust yourself, and trust your data, your facts, your value. When you feel like you won’t get pushed around or off your path. When you feel like you can stand your ground.

3. Test Again.

“Tell you straight, no intervention. To your face, no deception.”**

Every good researcher, including Laura Kray, tests and re-tests, before releasing their research results. So should you. Test, verify and confirm one last time before and after the final handshake. Try this:

“Let me confirm my understanding. You said….THIS…You will…THAT…I will…THAT. Is that your understanding too?”

This gives both of you an opportunity to clarify and correct any misunderstandings, before finalizing the agreement. Afterwards, the final test is to put it in writing. See my previous post for how to make this part simple, fast and easy.

The Bottom Line:

I found this quote to be the most telling of all. In quoting this reformed salesman from 1985 at the outset of the published paper, Kray and her team reveal the best defence to gendered mis-perceptions of women’s gullibility and (lack of) competence:

“… Salesmen … categorize people into ‘typical’ buyer categories. During my time as a salesman I termed the most common of these the ‘typically uninformed buyer’…. [In addition to their lack of information, these] buyers tended to display other common weaknesses. As a rule they were indecisive, wary, impulsive and, as a result, were easily misled. Now take a guess as to which gender of the species placed at the top of this ‘typically easy to mislead’ category? You guessed it—women.” (Parrish, 1985, p. 3, as quoted by Ayres & Siegelman, 1995)

Emphasis mine.

The bottom line for women?

Your best defence = PREPARATION. Get informed, do your homework, research, practice articulating it out loud. Believe in what you know. Trust yourself.

As Annie Lennox says:

“Believe me, I’ll make it make it!”**

**Would I Lie to You? Lyrics by Annie Lennox & Dave Stewart – Don’t mess with Annie!

WANT TO REPRINT THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE, BLOG OR WEBSITE?

You may, as long as it remains 100% intact and you include this complete blurb with it:

Carrie Gallant, JD is a ground-breaking thought leader who lights the way for conscious business women to stand up, stand out and stand firm.

Copyright 2014 Carrie Gallant and Gallant Solutions Inc. | All Rights Reserved

What Stops You From “Going For It”?

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Personal Power: Go after what you want

~ Nora Roberts

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when women don’t “go for it”, when we let our ambitious dreams and goals slide. When we keep our personal power on a leash.

Maybe we’re taking care of others’ feelings (so we don’t “outshine” them).

Maybe we’re afraid of how far our light could truly shine because of the responsibility it might bring, and we don’t know (yet) quite how we will deal with it.

Or maybe it’s because going for it would mean we no longer fit the mold of what a “good girl” would do (or a good wife/girlfriend/partner, good mother, best friend…you get the picture).

Oh yeah…this one is up for me. Big time.

And I wonder if it is for you too?

Are there places where you don’t go for it?

Where you stop yourself from really letting your brilliance, your fully expressed self, or your very own luminous light really shine?

Maybe you’ve done this in the past. Maybe you’ve stopped dreaming (cuz it hurts too much).

Or maybe you’ve found your way through and have become unstoppable!

I would love to know, either way. I would love to know what stops you, or has stopped you in the past. When you don’t go for it.

Will you help me find out why we don’t go for it? Why we give away our power?

By filling out this quick survey, you will help identify where and why many women give away their power, stop shining the full wattage of their brilliance and don’t go for it.

Click below to share your thoughts:

 What's Stopping You?

 

Here’s the thing: I want to help you shine your light. It’s my mission to help women access a bigger piece of the pie, shine their brilliance on the world’s problems and go for what they really want.

I promise you this: I will share the results of my survey with you, plus tips for how to bring your personal power up and let your light shine!

Personal Power: If you want something, go get it.

I can’t wait to hear your stories, and share those results with you!

PS. Here’s the Quick Survey link again: What's Stopping You?

What Do You Really Want?

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Originally published November 2008; edited 2014

Negotiation Tip:  Clarify What You Really Want

I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!

There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.

Your Language Influences You

Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation.  Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone.  As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.

My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.

I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…”  The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”

In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence.  More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete.  Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”

We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.

Does this matter?  I think it does.

The Impact of Clarity is Exponential

One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear.  Really clear on what you want.

The impact of clarity is exponential.  The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and  how it will affect the other person involved.

As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what I would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”.  As in, “what I would really like is X, if  Y happens“.  For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).”

See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.

“I want” simply is.  The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how,  your want is fulfilled.  And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!

Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want.  And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.

There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}.  It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.

Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want.  It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly.  This creates confidence that you can hold your own.

Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.

What do I really WANT?

Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:

“What I really want is…”

Remember…

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Is Your Circle of Influence Lifting You Up, or Wearing You Down?

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If Jim Rohn is right, that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, then this Circle of 5 is your core Circle of Influence, by default or design.

Circle of 5-iStockThese five people most likely influence your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours – and ultimately your success, professionally, financially, personally.

Big Question: Are you okay with that?

Is your Circle of 5 by default or design?

Do they lift you up, where you can soar in all your magnificence?

Do they celebrate your successes and encourage you, stand by you, as you reach your dreams and goals?

Then: YAHOO!!!  Go celebrate with them!

Or do they bring you down? Do they gossip or speak negatively about others?

Does being around them keep you playing small, where you don’t threaten them? Keep you “safe” by discouraging your taking any risks or new challenges?

Or perhaps “they” aren’t doing anything but being themselves, yet YOU play smaller, dim your light, stifle your magnificence because YOU don’t want to risk them being uncomfortable?

Here’s the thing.

Tall Poppy SunIf you want to “change the world”, create a positive impact, make a difference,  your influence and impact will be richer, stronger and more empowered if you are being influenced by supporters, rather than diminishers.

Even a “Tall Poppy” thrives when it’s surrounded by other tall poppies.

Leonie Dawson’s recent post Are Your Friends Setting You Up to Shine or Stumble? is poignant in her relating of her own journey as a creative business owner, mom of two young girls, making it up as she goes along and the challenges growing her business through multiple six figures. She had to make some hard choices to let go in order to grow – both personally and professionally, as she continues to influence other creative entrepreneurs to build successful business, so they can also serve and influence others.

Good leaders know the best way for them to succeed is to hire people who are smarter at what they do.  As Leonie says:

“If you don’t know people who are smarter, more successful, happier, creating bigger things or thinking bigger than you… you are in the wrong room.”

Take an inventory of your Circle of 5 – if you want to elevate its membership, consider who you want to spend more time with. Join a Mastermind group to expand your business or professional goals.

Who do you want in YOUR Success Circle?

Success Circle

A number of years ago, when I first awakened to this process, I looked at my circle of influence – and I wasn’t completely happy. There was Negative Nelly, who seemed to only see the world through “poor me” glasses, that no matter how I tried to “help her” change, was not in a place yet to change those glasses to at least half-full of possibilities (yes, I am mixing metaphors – and trust you get the picture :)), instead of all doom and gloom.

So, I bumped a couple of people from my Circle of Influence list – by distancing myself from their influence, or reducing the amount of time spent with them as well as the weight I placed on their words and opinions.
Deciding to spend less time with some people or investing less weight in their views and opinions opens up the door to choice – to purposefully invite into your world those who inspire you, motivate you, who genuinely want you to succeed, to thrive and be fulfilled, even happy.

 

Over the years,  I have added a few more people whose influence I believed would have a positive impact on me and my life (and they have!).  Now I use my Circle of 5 list as a guide for how I allocate my time, especially when things get busy.

In this way, the person I am really influencing most is ME!

Get What You Want

Go ahead. Reach for more!

Rich Thinking: Money, Work and Self-Worth

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Originally published March 12, 2012

Money, Work and Self-Worth

Heart and money

The title of the Careers column in this Saturday’s Globe and Mail Careers caught my eye over brunch: “Money, work and the value of self-worth: If you want financial independence, and recognition for your talents, keep talking about compensation“.

The author, Leah Eichler, acknowledged that, like many women, the topic of compensation makes her uncomfortable, especially when it relates to work she loves.

Eichler’s primary recommendation – one I fully endorse – is that we women need to talk about money, and often, so we do not dismiss its importance. Dismissing the importance of money – even, and perhaps most especially when it comes to work we love, or work that is important to our community – leads to so many other issues and difficulties in a woman’s life, than just her financial independence.

And ultimately they are related too; the core paradigm in the Money Breakthrough Method® is this: “How you do money, is how you do everything”.

Here are 3 Tips:

1.  Be Willing to Talk About Money

When you aren’t willing to discuss money – either in a conversation with your spouse, or a negotiation for salary or your fees – you are signaling a whole lot of information. To others, for sure. And more importantly, to yourself. How you feel and think about yourself can be greatly impacted by the weight of the things that you avoid, or tolerate in your life. Your self-worth is worth, well, a lot.

“It never feels good to be underpaid – we know in our hearts this isn’t fair.” Barbara Stewart notes this in her 2011 global research study of 50 women called Rich Thinking: A Global study – A Guide to Building Financial Confidence in Girls and Women.

We know there are a lot of reasons for the continued gender pay gap in the workplace, and here in Canada we have experienced over 20 years of pay equity laws in most provinces (my current home province of British Columbia being a glaring exception) designed to remedy a good portion of that gap. I know these impacted and changed the financial situation of a lot of women and their families – I witnessed it first hand during my ten years as a mediator and chief legal counsel with the Ontario Pay Equity Commission.

And yet, I’ve come to understand how deep the gap goes and that real change must happen in women’s inner lives, as much as outer change in society at large. How you value yourself, and the work you do – even when it’s work you love – impacts how you stand up for your worth, and how you ask others to recognize it too. And talking about money in that regard is one important way you can stand up for your worth.

2.  Aim For 1% Increase

No – I don’t mean aim for a 1% increase in your negotiations. (I know you can do better!)

Apply the 1% Increase Rule here: aim for 1% more courage, tenacity and perseverance with each opportunity to have a conversation about money. Sooner than you think, you will realise you have mastered your discomfort, fear and avoidance of money conversations. Hey, the compound effect works here too.

I believe having money conversations is so important, I included an entire module in the Clear Your Money Clutter program that is devoted to how to have a difficult conversation around money.

3.  Value What You Do, and More Money Will Follow

It’s a very old paradigm that suggested that we shouldn’t get paid a lot for doing what we love; it simply doesn’t fit with our modern western society – where women are increasingly the main breadwinner in their families and two income couples are the norm.

The opposite notion can be equally misleading – that of “Do what you love, and the money will follow”. Do what you love, by all means. And value what you do. Your self-worth will thank you.

Discover how what you do is valuable to others. And find out how that value translates into a monetary value.

And then talk about it.

Learn how to ask for more, how to negotiate, how to charge what you are worth. You know in your heart it will feel good.

So please. Talk about money. Don’t be shy.

 

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You Get to Decide!

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Yes No Maybe 2Just Make a Decision!

If you’ve heard me speak about the Art of Negotiation for Women, you may have heard me say that negotiation is a series of decisions. Deciding what you want. Deciding what you’re willing to ask for, what you’re not willing to accept.

The same is true for your business.

Your business is a series of decisions. Deciding what outcome you want to create, who you want to serve and work with, how much money you want to create, how much you will invest to create your desired outcome, and so on. The same can be said for your career. The exact same questions apply to a career – try them out!

Isn’t that empowering? You get to decide.

I do find that empowering. But it wasn’t always this way. And maybe you can relate. Many women are paralyzed by decisions.   They want to get it “perfect” or “right” the first time. Terrified of making a mistake or the “wrong” decision, they don’t make one at all! Sound familiar? Do you dither endlessly and get stuck in indecision?

Or maybe you’re a lot like me; I suffer from FOMO. The Fear Of Missing Out!  My personality type (e.g. under MBTI® and the Enneagram) loves lots of variety & spontaneity, and hates missing out on anything.

The upside can be joyful, boundless enthusiasm, creativity and entrepreneurial spirit.

The downside can be countless distractions by “bright shiny objects” or endless investment in numerous programs and trainings so you don’t “miss out” on the latest and greatest.

Here’s the thing.

Moving forward in life, in your business or career, means you need to decide. You need to make a series of decisions to get where you want to go. To take a step in that direction, you need to decide and take action.

How many decisions led up to Neil Armstrong taking the first step on the moon? The biggest decision was JFK’s 1961 announcement to Congress the US would send a man safely to the moon by the end of the decade. Remember the date of Armstrong’s historic step? July 20, 1969. Barely six months before the end of that decade, and almost six years after JFK’s death.

That sure was a powerful decision! It acted as a catalyst, pulling forward millions of people to support that decision and make countless other decisions – big and small – that set in motion thousands of actions, long after JFK himself graduated from this earth.

Indecision Costs.

Incomplete decisions are clutter – they clutter your mental space, and keep your energy stuck.   When you hold indecision, it’s like you’re holding onto that last box of unpacked stuff after you moved three years ago post-divorce (KM knows what I’m talkin’ about here!). It sucks your energy.

Plus, waiting costs you. Waiting to make a decision costs you in many ways. The time you lose is irreplaceable. Time is actually more precious than money – time is non-renewable!

Make that decision, and watch your energy soar, feel your shoulders relax downwards.

And if you’re still on the fence, invoke Louis Hay’s wonderful advice:

Just make a decision. If it doesn’t work, make another decision!

So, what are you waiting for?

Are You Afraid to Negotiate?

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Are You Afraid to Negotiate?

 

Afraid to NegotiateI hate negotiating, especially for myself
Negotiation is manipulation
I get so anxious when I negotiate
I’m afraid I’m going to be taken advantage of
I’m no good at negotiating
I have to negotiate for my job, but I don’t like it
I’m always worried about what I’ve missed and what the other side will think

 

These are all statements I have heard over the years from my female clients, students, and participants in my workshops.

Surveys of professional women point to similar expressions of a fear or dislike of negotiation.  Fear of negotiation is usually based on several limiting beliefs, including the way many women tend to perceive the word “negotiation”.  Recent research shows that even the word “negotiation” evokes a negative reaction in many women.

Women See It Differently

Although there are certainly some men who don’t like to negotiate, far more men than women are excited by negotiation, enjoy it and look forward to it.    Men are more likely to see negotiation as a game, one they can win or lose.  Many men are excited by the prospect of winning such a game, and although some might fear  the prospect of losing, many men  see there is something to be achieved and skills to master.

Women are far more likely to see negotiation as a relationship, one that can be developed, fixed, damaged or broken.  I witnessed this contrast in stark reality every year in the negotiation course I taught to law students, as the gender mix of students was 50-50. Male students were more likely to align with a competitive or adversarial view of negotiation; female students with a collaborative or relational view.

The Result:

Women often don’t see opportunities to negotiate, or an opportunity to shape or influence a favourable result.  In their book, Everyday Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that as women,Tools to Negotiate

We let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.

Here’s the Truth:

Negotiation is a learned skill – and many women simply have not been taught or learned how to negotiate effectively.

Fear of negotiation is limiting, especially when it leads to a built in resistance to change, or creates blinders to seeing opportunities.

Learning more about negotiation and practicing new skills can create discomfort, unless you are persistent and push beyond the discomfort of the change required for adopting and eventually mastering new skills.

Quote Temp Inconvenience

Shift to Success: 

Reframe your beliefs about negotiation.

Consider negotiation as an opportunity to shape a result that meets your needs. Just about everything is negotiable – if you see it that way!  Recognize that you negotiate every day, in many small and some significant situations; to be more satisfied with what you end up with, you might as well practice being a good negotiator!

Allow yourself to get uncomfortable with your status quo, and to get comfortable with challenging any limiting beliefs that block your progress in becoming an effective negotiator.

Practice whenever you can, particular with smaller less-risky negotiations; when you face the more significant negotiations, you will be ready to face them more confidently and more effectively.