Human nature wants to fill a silence, especially in our largely extroverted western culture. In conversation, silence feels uncomfortable to many. Even in nature, many find silence unfamiliar and uncomfortable and feel compelled to play music. We are used to noise, the sound of ours and others’ voices.
However, “silence is golden” is still true. Rare, valuable and powerful. Especially when used strategically in negotiation.
Recognize your own impulse to rush in to fill a silence, as well as how it can be helpful to you when others fill your silence.
The key with using any behaviour, tactic, or strategy is to match it to your goal or objective (which you have prepared, right? ;0)
How to use silence in negotiation to reach your goal:
Show your disagreement. Silence can indicate your displeasure with an offer, or that you are thinking about it. Pause. Don’t say anything for a bit. The other person may fill that silence with a justification, explanation, or even another better offer, as they may have assumed your silence indicates displeasure or disagreement. However, beware of your own tendency to do the same!
Show your strength. Once you have stated what you want, just STOP. Stay silent to let your offer or ask sink in. Don’t rush in and fill up the silence with justifications, explanations or attempts to convince. Just ZIP IT. Pause. Wait. Let them come back with their answer.
When you fill the silence after you ask, you risk doing two things.
First, you take up space they may need to process your ask, to think about it. You may have surprised them and they need a moment to craft their response. If you fill the silence, you may deny them an opportunity to come to your side on their own.
Second, you inadvertently dilute your ask. What if it’s good enough on its own? By rushing in and filling the silence, you could signal that you don’t believe in it yourself! That you are justifying your ask out loud because you don’t really believe you deserve it or trust that it is possible for them to give.
Prime yourself to stand for your ask with confidence. Ask for it. then just stop.
Zip it.
Try it out.
Let us know in the comments how silence has worked for you!
When you get outside your comfort zone and ask for a raise, you raise your profile.
In your leader’s eyes, and in your own eyes. When you ask for more than what your leader or manager has offered, this positions you automatically as someone who goes for what she wants. Someone who WILL take the risk that she might not get it, at least not right then. Someone who will also more than likely do the same for your organization.
I was recently interviewed by women.com and shared my top 5 tips for asking for a raise, and 3 things to avoid doing. I also shared a brief story about a client who successfully negotiated a more than 20% increase, in part by recruiting an ally for her cause. Click on the women dot com logo to check out the full article here:
My client was initially offered far less when she asked for a raise to a specific amount. She stuck with her number and ended up with more than a 20% salary increase. The added benefit: Her leader told her he appreciated how prepared she was for the conversation, and noted that she was being a great advocate for herself.
Boom! Profile raised.
The benefit of raising your profile can far out-weigh and even outlast any increase in salary, position, benefits or responsibility. Asking for a raise or promotion positions you as someone to take seriously. Someone who takes her work and her value seriously.
You can take the other road, keep your head down and focus on delivering great work, and hope they notice and reward your efforts, without your having to ask for it. But let me ask you:
If you aren’t asking for more because you are nervous, afraid or unsure of what to say, this only means that asking for a raise is not familiar to you. Get some help from someone who can help you figure it out, help you practice and rehearse the conversation. Work with a coach or advisor, or a peer who has done it successfully. Join a community where others are practicing these new skills too.
Then buckle up buttercup! Grab a bit of courage and go ahead and ask!
I’d love to hear any of your experiences with how asking for a raise has raised your profile. I know we can all use hearing some encouraging stories.
Last week I had the privilege of speaking at the Vancouver Chapter of Lean In Canada on the topic Master the Art of Negotiating and Get the Yes! Vancouver Chapter President Florence Yeung neatly summarized the key points from my talk on her own Blog. Her article so nicely captures my five-point authentic negotiation model I am sharing it here in full, with Florence’s permission:
Can you use better negotiation skills?
I think all of us can. Most women are afraid of negotiating and are 2.5X more likely to feel anxious about it than men.
I recently attended an event where the guest speaker, Carrie Gallant, taught us the 5 C’s to negotiate authentically and found these tips to be helpful so I want to share it with our readers with Carrie’s permission.
CLARIFY TO AMPLIFY
Be clear about what it is you are negotiating about. Are both sides clear on what is at stake and what is being negotiated? Laying out a clear and focused foundation for the negotiation helps set the stage for a successful negotiation.
CONNECT TO PARTNER AND PROFIT
When we think of negotiation we often feel like it’s us against them, it’s a win-lose situation. What needs to change with your mindset is that negotiating can be a partnership. A true ‘win’ in negotiation is when both sides get the majority of what they want, not when both sides ‘meet in the middle’.
So connect with your partner and grow the pie bigger, through understanding their objectives, how they want to be treated, and truly listen to understand their needs.
COLLABORATE TO CREATE YES
It can be as simple as using language such as ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ in your conversation. Similar to the point above, you want to take a collaborative approach, how can you both get what you want and grow the pie bigger overall? You will need to get creative with your options and potential outcomes, but that is what negotiation is supposed to do, flesh out all the options that could work for both parties.
CRAFT THE CONVERSATION
The best approach to take is to be calm and assertive. Easier said than done of course, but if you put in the necessary prep work to think through every possible scenario, every possible question and potential answer from your negotiation partner, you are much more likely to achieve success.
Some tactics would be to consider your openers, building your questions strategy, testing assumptions, and when to make an offer (whoever makes the first offer places an anchor for the negotiation).
One tool that is often overlooked in negotiation is silence. After you make your offer, don’t be in a haste to jump in and justify your needs, just stay silent, and wait for the other party to respond. Silence is golden.
COMMIT AND CELEBRATE
The end of a negotiation is perceived to be the point when both parties shake hands, signaling that an agreement has been reached. However, in Carrie’s words, a sprinter doesn’t stop right at the finish line, their adrenaline takes them far beyond the finish line before they can come to a complete stop. Agreement is great, but now you need ‘commitment‘.
Who is going to do what?
When are they going to do it?
How are they going to do it?
You need to outline all the next steps that need to be actioned to get the ball rolling, THEN you can celebrate.
While we have outlined some of the key negotiation principles Carrie shared with us during the event, there are many benefits to schedule a one-on-one with a negotiation expert like Carrie. They can help you built your negotiation strategy to get the most out of a salary negotiation, taking you further in your career.
Note: A version of this article appeared in the June 2010 Edition of Make It Business: Inspiring Small Businesses to Think Big
Everyone sells.
Whether you like it or hate it; are good at or, well, suck at it. We are all salespeople, of one kind or another.
Whether you are a small business owner negotiating with Wal-Mart, a lawyer looking for new clients, or planning your summer vacation with your spouse, you are always selling. Selling widgets, selling your business plan to financers, or selling your vacation hot-spot to your spouse – it all starts with your idea that you want them to buy, or buy into.
What if you add a little romance? What if you WOO them?
The Art of Woo starts with YOU. As with anything important successful persuasion, influence or negotiation depends a great deal on your preparation. The early chapters are worth delving into, as they build the foundation for your preparation by assessing your persuasion style and the context.
The Art of Woo shows you how to:
Build a bridge to THEM, and their beliefs, language, and style
Connect your ideas to their goals
Pitch your proposal, and
Secure their commitment.
If you are looking to master the art of selling your ideas, study each chapter in depth, as each one is worthy of its own book. The first chapter Includes a quick and easy four-step guide. You will find “Ten Questions for Would-Be Wooers” in the Appendix.
Neither a light read nor a quick-fix solution, The Art of Woo is still an accessible read. Broadly applicable and rich with plenty of real-life examples – from Nelson Mandela to Sam Wharton – The Art of Woo is like a self-study version of a five-day workshop. Indeed, Shell and Moussa are Directors of the Wharton School’s Strategic Persuasion Workshop. Costing a fraction of their workshop, The Art of Woo is one of the most valuable business books out there.
My only beef with The Art of Woo is its matryoshka-like structure: nesting so many steps and processes within each other detracts from the elegant simplicity of the core four steps, and potentially confuses the reader. A trifling quibble in the end, as this book fully maps out relationship-based persuasion from start to finish.
Your Intentions Matter
Finally, The Art of Woofinishes right back with YOU – your character and integrity. Ending with a compelling real-life WorldCom-type tale of why it matters less whether you master the Art of Woo than what your intentions are when you Woo, the authors leave readers with a simple litmus test that reveals what kind of “idea salesperson” they are.
Scott McGillivray used this trademarked K.E.Y. phrase in his short presentation on real estate investing. The popular host of HGTV’s Income Property and the new Buyer’s Bootcamp shared his wisdom and experience in the art of negotiation and real estate investing with flashes of his megawatt smile.
Scott sprinkled his presentation with some behavioural economics (think Robert Cialdini’s laws of influence) and positive psychology, with a quote from Shawn Achor at the end:
“The more you believe in your own ability to succeed, the more likely it is that you will.”
Scott shared a few key nuggets on the art of negotiating a great deal, which was number two in his list of ten things for real estate investors, right after education in the number one spot.
Highlights from Scott’s short tutorial on the art of negotiation:
Focus on fundamentals over emotion. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement. Do your research.
Be savvy. Real Estate agents are savvy; buyers need to be savvy too.
Older is wiser. Bidding wars happen on properties that are recently listed. Look for properties that have been on the market for a while. Older listings don’t get as many views, and often mean the buyer initially listed over-value, then discounted. And many buyers are put off by discounted listings because they perceive there must have been something wrong. This creates an opportunity to…
Solve a problem for the seller. Sellers are motivated for many reasons outside of the sale price of their home. Maybe they need a short closing date. If you’re in a position to meet that need, you can probably exchange that for a reduction in the sale price. That worked for me in my first home purchase when I learned the seller had a 30 day close on their next home and wanted to avoid bridge financing. This knowledge and my counter offer netted me an 18% reduction in the sale price.
Be good at putting in offers and put in different types of offers.
Be firm on your price and be willing to walk away. (You’ve heard me say this one before.) Nine out of ten offers that Scott makes are rejected by the seller. And yet…he has a multi-million dollar portfolio of real estate investments.
What I liked most about seeing Scott’s presentation was his showing up consistently (one of Cialdini’s laws of influence). He shows up in person as the same person he shows up on his reality TV shows. I like how he treats people. After the show, I had a chance to speak with a few of his team, and they echoed my assessment – he’s the same guy to work with.
I recalled from an early episode on Income Property when Scott emphasized that treating your tenants well is good business. Give them a nice place to live and treat them well, and they will treat your property well. Yes!
When I was buying my first home in Toronto I wanted an income suite to support my single-income mortgage. My standard for the second suite was that it had to be something I would live in myself. It bugged me to see other income property owners with suites that were dirty, uncared for and substandard. How would you feel living there?
Scott shared a poignant story about a long term tenant who recently moved out. Scott’s practice in welcoming new tenants is to leave them a welcome card and a bottle of wine. This tenant left his apartment after nine years, with a card and a bottle of wine for Scott. The law of reciprocity in action!
A reminder again of my first house in Toronto. After viewing 30 homes before finding the right one, my realtor gifted me with a lovely bowl she saw me admire in a local café we frequented to compare notes after a viewing, PLUS a cheque for $300 to help fund my renovations to install a separate suite in the single family home. Now that’s class! I remembered that gesture, recommended her often, and I still use that bowl.
Scott obviously lives by what he teaches, and his passion for helping others do the same was evident in his message:
Knowledge without action is just data. Implementation is key to succeed.
What can you implement from these lessons in your own negotiations?
If you’re looking to build your negotiation and influencing muscles, check out the E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Leaders Lab online program.
You might be under earning – earning less than your worth – even if you make over six figures!
How do you know if you are? There are several signs of under-earning, some common and some not so common.
Barbara Stanny defines an Under-Earner as “someone who makes less than she needs or desires despite efforts to do otherwise.”
Red Alert! Before you read further, I want you to stop. Even if you already recognize yourself here, be kind to yourself. Do not label yourself as an “under-earner”. Focus instead on the signs of under-earning behaviours. Because you can shift and even swap them out for more self-affirming behaviours that will move you closer to earning your true worth.
I collected quite a list of signs of under-earning behaviour from what I hear from my clients, in my speaking engagements and through informal surveys – and I’m going to share the Top Signs of Under-Earning with you over the next few weeks. I’m also going to share some tips that will empower you to overcome these signs of under-earning.
Empowerment begins with Awareness. Awareness of both your strengths and blind spots – where you may not be experiencing the results you could.
Let’s begin raising that awareness today.
Notice which of these signs show up in your life. You might be surprised!
7 Signs You Could Be Under-Earning:
You KNOW you are worth more than you are being paid. You’re just not sure how to prove that. You find it difficult to articulate what your worth is exactly, and are baffled how others seem to do it.
Your strengths, talents or genius are your “best kept secret”. You often hear others say, “I didn’t know you could do that!” or, “I didn’t know you were an expert in that!”
You keep getting passed over for promotions or business opportunities. You see others getting ahead who are less qualified than you.
You are not working in your “Genius Zone” 80% of the time. Most of the time you do work that you could delegate or stop doing altogether. You could be leveraging your time doing what you are really good at, that comes easy for you, and has the biggest impact.
You sit on the outside ring at important meetings, gravitating to the social crowd rather than the influencer crowd. It’s easier to sit at the back and socialize with your peers, than to put yourself “out there”, sit in the hot seat at the Big Table. You shy away from standing out.
You stay in your “comfort zone” and don’t take any risks. You’ve been hurt or penalized before, and you don’t want to experience that again.
Each of these signs of under-earning is a symptom of the #1 Sign of Under-Earning on today’s list:
You are not Shining Your Light.
Rather than getting help (coaching, mentoring, training) to boost your capacity to handle difficult of situations that challenge you (having a difficult conversation, standing up for yourself, asking or negotiating for something), you hang back where it’s comfortable and stay small.
By being the Shrinking Violet rather than risking being cut down as a Tall Poppy, you are also shrinking from opportunities for others to SEE you, to see what you are capable of, to see your Genius.
If you are waiting for them to notice you…well if you are playing small, how can they? Find a way to let them know what you are up to.
If you think this is bragging, and you don’t want to “brag”, then re-think. Re-frame it as “sharing”. You’re already good at sharing right? Share what you are doing, what you are capable of, what you have achieved. HELP them to notice YOU.
Shining your light is not about being alone in the spotlight (although that’s okay too!). It’s about allowing your true self, your authentic self, your one wild and precious* self to shine. It’s about not dimming your own light.
Isn’t it time?
It is.
It’s time to stop under-earning. To start doing something that you CAN do right now.
What is one step you could take this week that would shine your light, just a little bit more?
Share your plans in the comments box below.
If you resonate with one or more of these signs of under-earning or struggle with negotiating for your worth, I’m offering one of my E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Breakthrough Session right now, on a first come, first served basis. With Gender Pay Day approaching in April, I’d like to help some people who know they’re in this situation and are up for shining their light, asking for or negotiating their true worth.
If you want one of these sessions, shoot me an email and let me know what you’re struggling with. Tell me a little bit about your situation, why you should get one of these sessions and we’ll book it.
*Acknowledgement to the delightful Mary Oliver and her poem Summer: “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?”
No economic skill has as much riding on it as does negotiation
~Leigh Thompson, Northwester University
This is especially true for women – research shows that in simple negotiations – like a salary or a car negotiation – women do worse than men. Two things most women will negotiate several times in their lives!
The Hard Truth:
Negotiation is about an exchange of value, and historically women have not had their own economic value to exchange, with two exceptions (and oldest “professions”: Mom, and well, you know the other one).
Plus, the idea of “negotiation” turns many women off – the models for negotiating appear too masculine, or aggressive. Research supports this; re-frame “negotiation” into “opportunities for asking” and women fare better.
The Good Truth:
Negotiation is a learnable skill, both art and science. The same research showed that when women are empowered with the skills and knowledge, they can negotiate results as good as or better than men. Women tend to be inherently more adept at listening, empathizing with others; connecting and building relationships – all skills that are fundamental in negotiating effectively.
When women are empowered to see these “feminine” skills as valuable, they do better.
The Long Truth:
Negotiating is also a way of life; standing up for what is important to you (including your ability to help others).
Fundamentally negotiating is about asking for what you want, influencing others to cooperate with you, and as importantly, it’s about saying “no” to what you don’t want & negotiating something better.
Other Hard Truths:
The biggest challenge for women is negotiating for themselves – and surprisingly this includes high-level executive and professionals who negotiate for a living. Some barriers that cause this difference include messages about what a woman “should be” or can be; about money and who should make it, manage it and keep it. We have some work as a society to help change these expectations of both women and men.
Here’s the critical factor that bottom-lines Leigh Thompson’s quote from the introduction: women have a longer-term economic and financial life span than men. Not only is a woman expected to live longer, but 60 is now the new 40 and many women are bearing and raising children later in life. Tolerating gender pay inequity and getting paid less than you are worth is not a viable strategy.
The good news is that women everywhere are waking up. Women in the public eye, celebrities like Robin Wright are taking their pay equity issues public.
More than ever, its time for a woman to ride her own white horse – take the reins and be a “Gallant Leader” in your own life!
Negotiate your best life; manage your own economic well-being. If you’ve ever been on a trail ride, you know the best thing about riding your own white horse is riding the trail with those you love!
I was interviewed recently by Insureon for my contract negotiation tips for IT Consultants. I was impressed by the listening skills of my interviewer, Joshua Scott, as he captured my comments accurately. Here is the article posted on Insureon’s blog:
Client Contract Negotiation Basics for IT Consultants
Talking with people can be scary. Talking with business people over an important contract can be really scary. But you don’t have to be a cutthroat, high-powered, $1000-suit-wearing type to excel at the art of negotiation. In fact, the average IT consultant should be able to wheel and deal well enough to secure good contracts throughout their career.
Don’t know how?
Carrie Gallant (@GallantLeader), negotiation expert and president of The Gallant Leader and Gallant Solutions Inc., offers advice for how IT consultants can better negotiate a fair and beneficial contract with their clients. One benefit of getting better at negotiating? You’re less likely to need to make a claim on your IT consultant insurance.
The latest shocking news for women in negotiation is making the rounds lately, in Huffington Post, Daily Mail, Business Week and even Shape Magazine: UC Berkley professor Laura Kray’s latest research results show that women are lied to in negotiation more often than men.
Kray and her team worked outward from first establishing that a cultural stereotype that women are more easily misled puts them at greater risk for being deceived by misleading information or flat-out lies during negotiations.
The newsmakers glommed onto the big shocker:
WOMEN are equally likely as men to lie to another woman in negotiation
Yes. Women are just as susceptible as men are to perceiving other women as easy to mislead or lacking in competence. Sigh. Cultural stereotypes do indeed persist. Since the opposing stereotype about men persists (as already competent, not easily misled), Kray’s research also showed that both men and women are more likely to help the guy out by letting him in on a secret.
Really?
Frankly I’m not sure if I am more shocked by the results, or that this is actually news to anyone. I think women have known this intuitively all along — and it is one among many reasons why many women don’t like or are afraid to negotiate. We don’t like or want to be taken advantage of. We don’t like it when our trust is violated.
Aside from the stereotype perceptions, there’s an obvious elephant in the room – that ANY negotiator who perceives the other person as easily misled will succumb to that temptation and lie, mislead or deceive to gain a better outcome. The ethics of lying in negotiation is a much bigger topic, debated and written about elsewhere (and a future topic for this blog).
Here’s the big risk for those who do lie: the long-term costs. We will never forget. We might never forgive. We may never trust you again. And we just might tell two friends.
“Watch me walking, walking out the door.”**
Marketers have really gotten this about women in the last decade. It’s time for negotiators to get it too. Lies, deceptions and misleading claims have long-term consequences (and are sometimes illegal)– especially in business.
Until that happens – until the lies stop being the easy way to short-term victory and rewards — what can you do? What can you do to protect yourself in your negotiations? How can you TRUST anyone?
The good news is there is a lot you CAN do.
1. Test Now, Trust Later.
“Now would I say something that wasn’t true?”**
Trust is a tricky thing. You want to be able to trust others – to trust that what they say to you is true, that they will do what they say they will do. And there’s the rub – what you really want is what trust represents: predictability, reliability, a sure thing. You want to know it is REAL. Not a chimera or a desert mirage taunting you with promises to slake your thirst.
Trust yourself first – trust that niggling feeling that nags at you (aka your intuition). Don’t give in to self-doubt.
Test out what they are telling you, so you can trust them. Ask for proof, or verification of some kind. Clarify what you’ve heard them say and ask for confirmation that you got it.
Link to a third point for reference. Like the third leg on a 3-legged stool, the third point provides strength enough to stand on. A third point could be an outside standard or even a third party. “Let’s find out what Jamie thinks about this.”
What if they challenge you with “Don’t you trust me?” Try the power of “Yes, And”:
“I DO want to trust you, AND I want to understand you better. Help me understand how you …(e.g. arrived at that amount)”
2. Do Your Homework, First.
Groan.
I heard that! And I’ll tell you a Secret: Forget diamonds, Homework is a Girl’s Best Friend.
You know it works: before every test in school, you did your homework. Right? You will be better able to test out a potential lie if you have prepared for your negotiation – or at minimum have prepared and practiced some stand-by phrases that you can use in any situation.
Get the facts, and find out what the general standards are. Most common example is a job or salary negotiation. Research broadly and narrowly — what are the standards in the industry? Find out what you can about the other party’s standards (as well as their closest competitor) – and remember to look at standards as they apply to both men AND women.
Develop your OWN standards: what are you willing to accept? Not accept? What is your Plan B? You do have one, right?
Doing your homework builds Trust and Confidence – in YOU! Trusting someone else is so much easier when you trust yourself, and trust your data, your facts, your value. When you feel like you won’t get pushed around or off your path. When you feel like you can stand your ground.
3. Test Again.
“Tell you straight, no intervention. To your face, no deception.”**
Every good researcher, including Laura Kray, tests and re-tests, before releasing their research results. So should you. Test, verify and confirm one last time before and after the final handshake. Try this:
“Let me confirm my understanding. You said….THIS…You will…THAT…I will…THAT. Is that your understanding too?”
This gives both of you an opportunity to clarify and correct any misunderstandings, before finalizing the agreement. Afterwards, the final test is to put it in writing. See my previous post for how to make this part simple, fast and easy.
The Bottom Line:
I found this quote to be the most telling of all. In quoting this reformed salesman from 1985 at the outset of the published paper, Kray and her team reveal the best defence to gendered mis-perceptions of women’s gullibility and (lack of) competence:
“… Salesmen … categorize people into ‘typical’ buyer categories. During my time as a salesman I termed the most common of these the ‘typically uninformed buyer’…. [In addition to their lack of information, these] buyers tended to display other common weaknesses. As a rule they were indecisive, wary, impulsive and, as a result, were easily misled. Now take a guess as to which gender of the species placed at the top of this ‘typically easy to mislead’ category? You guessed it—women.” (Parrish, 1985, p. 3, as quoted by Ayres & Siegelman, 1995)
Emphasis mine.
The bottom line for women?
Your best defence = PREPARATION. Get informed, do your homework, research, practice articulating it out loud. Believe in what you know. Trust yourself.
As Annie Lennox says:
“Believe me, I’ll make it make it!”**
**Would I Lie to You? Lyrics by Annie Lennox & Dave Stewart – Don’t mess with Annie!
WANT TO REPRINT THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE, BLOG OR WEBSITE?
You may, as long as it remains 100% intact and you include this complete blurb with it:
Carrie Gallant, JD is a ground-breaking thought leader who lights the way for conscious business women to stand up, stand out and stand firm.
Copyright 2014 Carrie Gallant and Gallant Solutions Inc. | All Rights Reserved
I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!
There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.
Your Language Influences You
Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation. Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone. As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.
My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.
I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…” The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”
In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence. More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete. Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”
We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.
Does this matter? I think it does.
The Impact of Clarity is Exponential
One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear. Really clear on what you want.
The impact of clarity is exponential. The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and how it will affect the other person involved.
As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what I would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”. As in, “what I would really like is X, if Y happens“. For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).”
See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.
“I want” simply is. The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how, your want is fulfilled. And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!
Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want. And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.
There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}. It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.
Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want. It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly. This creates confidence that you can hold your own.
Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.
What do I really WANT?
Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:
That’s exactly what G. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa propose in 
Knowledge Empowers You™.
